Who will be in the delivery room: When we get pregnant

    Ok. We have way controling parents and they irritate us. I randomly came up with a: Who will be in the delivery room?: Type of paper thing. Anyways here goes:

    My hubby will be the only one in with me. If we get a midwife or a doula then she will be in there as well.
 
    And since we do have very nosy parents, we will also tell the nurses and doctors that we don't want anyone else in there. That way they can enforce what we want.

If we decide that it's okay that they wait in the waiting room, we will ask them to wait an additional 2-3 hours  for bonding time with baby. If after that time is up I am completely exhausted, then we will have no visitors as of that time. I know quite a few family who will be quite upset about that, but oh well.
   
    We will then come home. Probably wait about 2-3 weeks and throw some kind of get together for the people who want to see the baby.
 
     If at the hospital the parents don't get to see the baby then they will meet the baby after we come home and after a 3-5 day wait. That is if we have a vaginal birth. If we have a C-section then they can come back the next day or so.

     This is still part of the plan but, after coming home:

We will schedule the visits at first. There will be no unexpected visits. And any constant phone calls will go unanswered unless you give a message on the answering machine and it is urgent. We also will not answer constant text messaging, IM's, or facebook messages unless deemed an emergency or life threatening.

    We will spread the word the baby had been born. We will request that we be the ones to announce.
   
  Our schedule will play a role in visits. There will be no unsupervised visits for a period of time.
 
   Also: We will try to let each grandparent have equal turns with the grandchild. Will try for once every 3 months or sooner. Depending on travel distance and such.

  Also depending on when the child is born, we will spend all holidays with ourselves. Christmas eve and thanksgiving will be spent with family. The rest will be ourselves unless spontanity is within us that day.

   We will raise our children the way we think is best. If you have a problem with it other then for tips....Please don't. We will not need it.

Thank you,

And have a nice day.

Yeah.....random musings

  So, I had a HI DA scan done for my abdomen and gallbladder. Haven't got the results for that yet. Also I went to the gynecologist expecting to hear "Oh, you just have a yeast infection." Yeah.....she said I have a really high possibility of having endometriosis. Which I knew anyways, what with my hard periods and severe cramping and other pains. And I am not stupid. I know that to officially diagnose en do you need a special surgery. And I know I could conceive, it will be significantly harder.
   It's just hearing those words.....It really hit me-us hard. Hubby was pretty upset as well. At least we have time on our side. We are still quite young. And because of all of this we are going to start trying next month. That way we can get a jump start on this. And if it ends up taking a year I will only be 23 and hubby will be 26. All I have to say is its all in God's hand . If his plan involves us not having kids then we will adopt. I can't grantee that their won't be tears, sweat, or pain. But, I will accept all that God has to offer.
   In other news: I am liking my new hours at Burger King. Its not as stressful. Still looking for another job as well though. Don't want to be at Burger King forever.
  OH! The other thing about the endometriosis was that for the pain I can't take anything. NOTHING. My stomach I'm guessing is pretty much shot. All the years of bulimia,abusing laxatives, abusing pain meds. it really surprises me that so far i haven't been diagnosed with ulcers yet. And I can't take anything with hormones in it either. So....I'm pretty much screwed.
    I will eventually get a second opinion. Not now. I am scared about the bills that will be coming our way after all of these tests. Very concerned though. My health insurance says I wasn't covered in October. When I should have been. Hoping it was just a hospital error. Tried to get a hold of the insurance company but, we waited on hold for like 20 min. Did that 3 times. Kinda scary.
    Our baby savings is coming along nicely. :) We have lots of support. And that is always great to have. I think if we had a baby lots of people would be there for us. I definitely need to make sure we have health insurance though. Going to get as healthy as we can by January. And as ready and prepared as can be.
   Got all our Christmas shopping done except like 4 things! Going to make lots of chocolate covered things and cookies.
    My father in law is much better now with the whole controlling thing. My mother is a little better but, not much. My brother had come over and my mother had called our cell phone 2 times. Called my brother and got really pissed and continued to say how someone could have died and how we need to learn to answer our phones. It was a mistake to tell her about my endometriosis . In like 1 hour she told her friend. I'm sure it will be all over the church and everyone else I'm sure.
     Our kids will not be over much at their grandparents and we will be choosing when they come over. My mom already told me she will be at the hospital when i give birth. My thinking though is if we give birth at a birthing center then no one will be there but me, hubby and a midwife. I guess if we give birth at a hospital then I will say just hubby.
   

Before Work Rant

    So, Aunt Flow did finally show up. But, I was way over my due time to start. Maybe that's because I have been stressed, I don't know.
   Anyways my hubby and I have decided it's time for me to see the gynecologist. I have been trying to put it off and put it off. I have been dreading this visit for a very long time now. I am terrified of what she will tell me. I'm scared it could be anything from cervical cancer or ovarian cancer all the way to it could be Endodemetriosis (not sure if that's spelled correctly). Or it could be as simple as a very bad yeast infection.
  If we cannot have kids naturally we have talked about adoption. Which we want to do eventually. But, I think we will exhaust all efforts of conceiving first then talk about adoption some more. I mean we will try everything humanly possible to conceive.
   I'm probably reading to much into this, but I like to think of everything possible so when or if she does diagnose me with those things I won't be set up for disappointment. And we have only officially/unofficially not used any birth control for one year and have TMI WARNING: only started not withdrawing for the past 3 months. So it hasn't been real long.
   Everyone just seems to be pregnant or getting pregnant real fast and I look at the 3 months and think that possibly something is wrong with me. Which there probably isn't but, it makes you wonder.
  In other news:

I have talked to hubby and we decided that I can go part time. Pretty excited to see how we will do with this. Because this will be a training thing as well for when I preggo. It's stressful. I can't really do it for much longer. And I've also been thinking of taking training for Medical Transcription and coding, because you can do it from home. And it seems pretty legit. My only question is : Is there really a call for them any more? And the career outlook?
   Thanksgiving is crazy and parents and in laws are driving us both crazy. Tex ting and calling us, messaging us on face book. They are treating us as if we are still children. It is getting so bad that I am getting ready to delete my face book. Everyone knows everything. And if they don't they badger us with questions. Why do they need to know everything?! I do not get it!

Anyways, time for work.
If anyone even reads this lol!

Survivor:Random post; Warning: graphic

I am a survivor. That is what I do. That is what I continue to do. This time of year has really made me depressed. Mostly because its almost the end of the year and I feel as though I have accomplished yet again nothing with my life. At those moments of time I have to take a step back and look at not what I have accomplished this year but, in the bigger picture my whole life.

I've shared my testimony 2 times in my life. I did leave out quite a few details that are actually quite important to my life story. But, instead of looking at what happened to me I will tell what I am a survivor of. Although I guess it could be the same thing.




1. I am a survivor of ABUSE. By both my mother, grandfather and cousin. There was no sexual abuse, although there are some questionable instances from my childhood I'm not quite sure about. A lot of Emotional and some physical. I was very very verbally abused. And I have had counseling. But, it still sticks and I have breakdowns now. But, I am slowly healing. And since moving out of my house, when I visit I feel how suffocating it really was. I do love my mother very much and both my grandfather and cousin as well. I I have forgiven all of them as well. So, yes.




2. This one is more of an extreme accomplishment more so then a survival. I was diagnosed as having severe dyslexia and auditory learning disability. If you don't know what dyslexia is: difficulty reading and spelling for no apparent reason. The person may be intelligent, able to achieve well in other areas and exposed to the same education as others, but is unable to read at the expected level. Common problem areas include spelling, comprehension, reading and identification of words. Pretty much the Auditory problem was I couldn't understand what you were saying unless I had a book or you had to show me with your hands as well as say it. So instructions were real hard for me unless I had a page to read and follow. Well anyways lol! I was supposed to be held back and they told me I would never get to high school. If I did they pretty much said that I would never graduate. I passed all my grades never had a single special ed class. Went through the normal classes. I was home schooled starting at 6th grade but that was because of migraines.

And just to say how bad my dyslexia was: I couldn't read until late 3rd-4th grade. I couldn't tell time til i was in 12th grade. I can say though that at 21 I have only a few problems with reading. I sometimes get b and d confused. At work I have to go in order on the screen and I have a hard time doing 2 things at once. And I very rarely but sometimes need instructions told to me 2 x.


3. I am a survivor of migraines. I still have them. But, I started getting them at the end of 3rd grade. And have had them ever since. They are much much better now though. They had nausea, black dots, paralysis, i even black out sometimes. It was really frightening. That is why I say I am a survivor of them.


4. I am a survivor of bullying. As a young teenager I was diagnosed with a severe social anxiety , symptoms of paranoia (not severe, more annoying) and symptoms of Borderline Personality disorder. Add to the fact I started to wear more black and got a lip piercing and my mom pushing me to make friends and 'be more like her' i was a target of bullying. I was home schooled for 6 years, we had a meeting where a group of homeschoolers got together for classes one day a week. I expected my peers to bully me. I knew they would, which they did but they weren't as bad as the parents. I got comments from many of the 'ADULTS'. that was what was bad. My home life continued to get worse as time went on. So, I tried to make friends like my mother wanted me too. (I did make 2 best friends though! And we are still friends!) So yes, I survived bullying!


5. I am a survivor of Bulimia and anorexia ( mostly bulimia). This is a tricky subject. Because as my mental health was getting worse no one really said anything to me at this period of time, so my thinking of this was "Obviously no one was saying anything then I'm not that sick so it's OK to continue". It started out as to lose 'some' weight. Well, we all know how that goes. We lose some weight, look in the mirror and see more fat. The more we lose, the more fat we see. Before I started the cycle, I would look in the mirror and see me, not a fat person. But, then I would pinch as much fat as I could and show myself the fat I needed to lose. I went to my counselor as a last resort and lied and said how much I thought I weighed. She scoffed at me. I didn't bring it up again.

I started to hear not a voice. But, my voice in my head a completely and utterly wrong voice. I ignored it until i started getting flashbacks of the abuse I had had. It continued for months telling me how fat i had become. That I was stupid. That I deserved everything. To be beautiful I needed to see my ribs and the lies go on and on.....

The first time I did it I knew it was wrong. I told myself never again. And I actually didn't do it again for like a couple of days to a week. I did it again. And again. And again. I used mainly laxatives and puking. At my worst I took over 10 laxatives in day. I knew it was dangerous. I wasn't stupid, well I was but, the high it gave me was far greater than really anything else. I exercised so much the one day that I don't even remember getting into bed. I used to withhold water when i exercised because I was worried it would stay in my system.

I was that way for a year -2 years. I had started up again when i got hired at burger king. I had noticed how all the weight from the food I was eating was making me fat. I did that for another 6-8 months. A co-worker threatened me and i stopped. I have days where I think it would be simpler to just do it to lose weight. Since stopping I have gained about 20 pounds. But, I would rather be overweight and not have my ribs stick out at 125-130 pounds. The benefits of being healthy are: I have curves, boobs, my stomach does not hurt now from the acid coming up, and I don't feel like I have to hide or be sneaky.


6. I am a survivor of Myself. I vowed to kill myself at 18. I never had a plan per say. But, I did create a will and thought how i would do it. And I carved a cross in to my thigh./ I put out all of my information online to strangers an dating sites. I was 18 at the time so I did survive the vow. I had planned to meet up with an ex con and marry him. He was 11 years older then me. He wanted me just so he could get his daughter back. There was another guy I was going to meet up with just so he could take my virginity. I also talked to another guy online my age at the time, who called me names. Like: whore, bitch, Slut, Worthless; people don't really consider that abuse. When it still hurts./ I tried running away with a girl i had never met when we were going to the same place. I had a bag packed. I directions written and money; I had stolen some jewelry from my mother and some money./ I was so desperate for love practically every guy I talked to online I sent naked pictures of me. I am very ashamed and am very scared that those photos could go viral at any minute. I didn't know what love was./ I think our worst enemies could be ourselves.


7. I am a survivor of SELF INJURY. This is one of the biggest things to me because I have/ am struggling(ed) with it. 7 years I have struggled with this. Although my urge to do this has significantly gone down. It is still there so I wouldn't say I am a complete survivor of this YET. But, I need to/ want to tell my story. So whatever way you say this is...is your option.

I started self harming at the early age of 15. But, if you trace this to as far back as my childhood, I started banging my head back in 3rd grade. But, it wasn't consistent. I started to hurt my self at 15. I had seen it on TV. But, I wondered why someone would do that to themselves. I had forgotten about it and had a horrible day and remembered what I saw and the relief I felt was...like almost the relaxation you get from a massage. And well to be honest My bulimia made it worse. The 2 put together put my body in so much over drive that one day I started to exercise and after I felt my anxiety build to the point of explosion I cut myself, I passed out for several min. Or at least it felt that long.

I had started doing it more and more. Every single mistake was a trigger. I had to be PERFECT. And I had made myself think that to be perfect i needed to be punished. As well as the release made me feel relaxation and real. At my complete worst I bet I had done it at least 30 times. And when people say Self harmer's are resourceful they are not kidding

My parents first found out when i was 16. I had cuts on my fingertips. They took me to the hospital. The doctor asked if i wanted to die i said no. The doctor said i could go home. I begged the doctor to send me somewhere. They said why and I went home.

My parents ripped out the razor i had hidden. And that was that....? No. I found a plastic shaving razor took scissors and cut the safety part away. Broke off the end and taped it to my bed. That was fail #2. Parents found it. Attempt #3: Took the razor and taped it inside a safety kit. And had a screwdriver. At this attempt, I started to only cut on my thighs, so shorts could cover it up and they wouldn't see unless they lifted my pants. Failed. Parents found safety kit, but not the screwdriver. In that time period i managed to slice away at my skin using not only a razor but:

Screwdriver, matches, a pencil, a pen, my teeth, my fingernails, nails, screws, used the hammer from work (hit my arm so hard gave me a bruise from my wrist to my elbow), I started hitting my head (the cement floor at work), Toilet paper holder at work(the part where you rip the toilet paper off), The bottom metal part of the door at work, absolute worst of worst was using the car cigarette lighter(hurt like a mother f****r!), straight edged razor, and my most recent dangerous; withholding water or fluids.

I have words carved into me forever. Love, Hate, UGLY. My legs are covered in scars. My stomach is scarred. My arms are scarred. My hip is covered in scars. I'm not scared to show my scars. I'm not proud of them. They are there. I cannot change my past. I have to say though that they are there to show people that you may have a few scars from life but, that you survived.

This is me. I have survived. And thank God that I am. I am a stronger person. Thank you, God! This is who i am. I am built to survive. God bless!

Random post about babies :)

So I had a gall bladder ultrasound done. I don't know if anything showed up or not just because well, i think doctors refuse to call me or maybe they are actually quite terrified of me lol!
  Anyways on to the baby subject!!

   I was supposed to have ovulated ( according to online calculators) on October 29, 30, or 31. And my predicted period is on November 13-15. So I'm hoping this is a good sign: Haven't started menstrual cramping yet which i usually start to day about 1-2 days before I start. So, really hoping that's a good sign. :)

  We aren't actually using any birth control as of this time. We are actively not preventing. I know. But, we would be fine with a baby. And people are constantly criticizing. That we won't be able to travel, go to school, or party. Even that shopping trips would be harder, money would be tighter, and yadda yadda yadda. I know these things.

 First off you can still travel or move with a kid. It would be harder, yes. I'm not even going to try denying that fact but, it can be done. Sides personally I think it would be more fun traveling with a child because they look at the world through wide eyes, and experiencing things for the first time, would be exciting. Everyday boring places for us would be completely new and open for exploration.

 Secondly I don't really feel called for schooling. And if I did later on it can still be accomplished especially in this day and age with technology. I could do it online, do half and half. There are nearby campuses. My hubby is working on schooling to better him, us and to better our future. If I would ever consider going to school, I would let him finish first to accomplish his dreams.

  Third: I don't even know if I need to address this one. The smell of smoke is disgusting. I hate the taste of alcohol. I'm claustrophobic and have almost severe social anxiety (which isn't as bad as it used to be but, is still bad. I like get together. And I don't mind people who occasionally drink. I mean hubby maybe drinks a beer every 2 weeks -1 time a month. So yeah.

   Fourth: I do agree. Shopping would be harder but, completely doable and not impossible. I guess my way of thinking is if people in countries besides America can do it for less so can we. We have one car, now whether or not that would change if we had a kid I don't know; but , I know it would be really tiring and hard if we had too pick hubby up at work at 1-2 a.m with a baby in the backseat. Getting the kid in the and out of the car seat, buckling unbuckling. With no sleep. Is doable and hard. But, once again can be done.

  Fifth: Money is always tighter when you have a baby. And if we both were still working minimum wage then yes, it would be super tight. We are comfortable now. And have money to spare. I agree it would be harder on us then most, but, we are also pretty good at saving money. We do not have credit cards. So we don't have that bill(s). We do not have any debt. We rent. If we were to buy a house  then yes, that would be OK. We eat a lot and have started eating at home more we save around, 20-30 weekly. We have been saving for a baby along time. Now after having a baby we would be in debt, but, i do not know anyone who is not in debt after having a baby. And yes we would get that debt down to the barest minimum before having any more children.

   There are still things that need done before having kids. I need to lose 20-30 pounds. Hubby needs to lose 130 pounds, but ideally lose 50 pounds. We need to get in shape. Have started eating healthier. I take a prenatal everyday. Going to start taking fish oil....stuff of that nature.

   It just drives me nuts that people can say babies cost alot of money. Which is not true. You can buy name brand clothing and buy baby food and use disposables. Or you can buy second hand for clothes, baby only uses them once. I can understand some nice outfits.
   You could cloth diaper. You will save hundreds to even thousands of dollars by the time your baby is potty trained. Or if you use disposables get a good brand if your against cloth diapering or if you really don't have time definitely don't waste money and buy these. I'm not against people who are honest and say they don't have time especially in this hectic world. There are other ways to save. You could try doing half disposables and half cloth or cloth wipes.

    You don't have to buy jarred baby food.  That raises money too. If you have a food processor a ice cube tray with a lid and veggies and fruit, then you could make your own food. Saving money as well. Oh, and breastfeeding saves too. But, if you can't breastfeed then definitely get the best brand of formula.

   But, secondhand stores are great for toys, clothes, sometimes you can find decent strollers, cribs, baby bathtubs. Strollers and cribs though make sure they are still safe because they might've been a recall item. Baby bathtubs, that just seems a bit gross to me, but, if you bleach it or idk it might be OK.

   Anyways gotta clean now.....bleh

More medical issues

 I had a abdominal cat scan done as of Wednesday. Was supposed to get the results back today. Am a little well....really nervous. The nurse asked me if I could be pregnant. I took a test before it was negative. We don't use protection anymore. I told her that period was also only 3 days long. She asked if I wanted a blood test I said no. Because I just want the pain to stop and I tried to reassure myself that I was indeed not pregnant.
    But, now Im real scared. What if I am? What if I caused harm to the baby if i am that is? And Im also frightened about what if I have kidney failure or endometriosis or what if i have cancer? So many thoughts and things it could be. Oh and I read some websites and now am scared I will get cancer in the future because of the radiation.
    There are a few reasons as to why I am scared that I might be pregnant....Well I want a baby but, you know because of the cat scan...

1. I am very moody.
2. My periods are getting shorter
3. I crave weird foods.
4. My back is hurting way more
5. I cramp when Im not on my period.
6. My boobs still hurt even though im not on my period.

I mean all of these things could be a number of anything else. I'm just hoping! :) So is hubby.....but im not supposed to say anything! :P

Oh yeah! I was supposed to get blood work done before the cat scan but the stupid nurse at the doctors office didnt tell me the date! Seriously....

Anyways onto another topic!

I am still looking for a job and so is hubby. I have a few ideas for a home business. What about pet sitting?

I think me and hubby would be ok if we ended up pregnant this year. But, we havent even been married a year yet, I would definately like to wait until at least 6 months.

Here is the OFFICIAL list of names:

Jasmine Abigail
Elijah Matthew
Aria Harmony
Gideon Asher

Finally! That doesnt include the kids we will be adopting. Also anyone have any opinions on wether adopting first then having biological children would work? Just curious!

Health Problems

   Well. It seems the long awaited doctors visit is upon us. Seriously?! It's about time! I have had upper stomach pain, lower abdominal pain, pelvic pain, I have been cramping since my period ended on September 3, I have 2 more ingrown toenails. Not to mention nausea, dizzyness, lightheadedness, trouble breathing sometimes, headache in the back of the head, and sometimes severe lower back pain.
    I thought that maybe I was pregnant :). But, Ive taken two pregnancy tests and both were negative. I mean ive had most of the symptoms. But, now im really cramping like the kind you get right before your period starts. I have craved really weird things, urination frequency, bloating, and like ive gained like 10 pounds. The doctor did give me some antiacid meds.......biggest mistake ever! It made me double over in pain!
       I am just so worried something is seriously wrong with me. And what if I need a surgery? I dont have any idea where i will get the money to pay for any operation. And what if I have a fertility issue? I dont know what i will do. I would be devestated.
     I just really hope he gets my toes taken care of this time. They really hurt. I really wish he would just take the whole toenail instead of just the sliver of the side nail. I also hope he actually runs the tests he said he would last time. My doctor has a tendency to not do what he says he will. He always prescribes medicine for everything. It kinda irritates me. He should have takin the toenail and then given me antibiotics. He should have done the tests then prescribed me anti acid medications.
     But, I am being hopeful because he did look quite concerned. So, I can only hope. I just hope its not that bad. I do need to make a appointment with my gynecologist.
   I'm not sure why I am just saying all this to you guys, I just feel as though I need to tell someone or anyone who will listen preferably women lol! Because I told all this to my husband and such and he listens and agrees and I love him. But, its not the same as a woman listening lol! So thats probably it.
     I will update tomorrow. Cuz I will prolly need to vent anyways. Anyways goodnight! Time to look at baby stuff! :)

Stupid Germs

   So, unfortunately I got 'THE COLD'. I got this cold from my husband who i specifically told not to give it to me. So, he kissed me. And gave it to me. This is why it is THE COLD. Stupid germs.

We have decided to try for a baby maybe next year. My husband finally told me today that he was ready. And you should have seen the look on my face. I seriously thought that i was going to start doing handstands or something.
   I know it wont be any time this year. I mean with all the holidays and us just getting married; it would be super hard. Plus i kinda just want these holidays to be ours. So....umm yeah.

   I think though when we have kids we will do both disposables and cloth diapers. Cloth diapers are cheaper in the long run. But, disposables do have the convenience. So, I think that if we use cloth for during the day, and maybe at night, then we can use disposables at night, trips and visits. And depending on what kind of babysitter then we might use disposables then too.

So going to start stocking up on those as well. Since I dont know what baby will actually like or what will work i was thinking of getting.

2 All In Ones

2 Fitted/ 2 covers

2 prefolds/ 2 covers

2 contours/ 2 covers

2 All In 2's

2 flats/ 2 covers

A sprayer

A bog of g-diapers

And a swimming diaper

And then once we do get pregnant we will buy like a box of size 1 diapers every other month starting my 6th month.

Well I  think thats it this post!

PEACE

Baby

       We have come up with names:
-Elijah Matthew
-Jasmine Abigail
-Heaven Aria
And Jonah. We dont have a middle name for him yet.

   And yes I am completely and utterly crazy. I have and will be collecting baby supplies even before we get pregnant. That way I have most of everything before the baby is born. And because we know we are all bored. Here is the list of things for  baby and what i already have:

BABY LIST:

Infant Car Seat/car seat

Stroller

High chair

Pack and Play

Swing

Crib: May just use a pack and play

Diaper bag

Rocking Chair: This would be nice to have. But, not a necessity 

Dresser

Baby gates

Baby tub: Not a necessity

Moby sling

Ergo Carrier

Swimming doughnut: For older baby

Grocery cart cover

Baby oil

Baby Einstein videos: If we let them watch tv

Headrest for the car seat

Picture frames

Nursing pads

Bumper pads for crib

Thermometer

Nasal suction

Breast pump: I want both electric and manual

Alcohol wipes: Going to maybe substitute with Lavendar oil

Laundry detergent

Infant Tylenol

Baby powder: Not sure if I am going to use this or not

Body wash

Medicine dropper

Lotion

Shampoo

Diaper rash cream

Brush/comb

vaseline

Q-tips

Lanolin gel

Hooded bath towels

Diaper pail: Trash can with closed lid

Stroller cover for bugs

Sunvisors for car windows

Crib mobile

Baby book

Night light

Portable change pad

Diapers:
--Disposables
--Fitted cloth diapers
--AIO cloth diapers

Blankets/sheets

Recieving blankets

fitted sheets

baby books to read

bottles and liners

Bottle cleaning brush

wipes

bowls/ spoons

sippy cups

Tummy time mat

baby monitor

crib toys

baby toys

soothers

teething rings

air dry stand for bottles

Bibs: Already have 3 pink and 3 blue

cute outfits

Sleepers

Onesies

Hoods/hats

socks

Coming home outfit

Jackets

Snowsuit

Pants

shirts

shorts

swimming diaper
-----------------------------
Maternity
-----------------------------
nursing bras

pants 

skirts

dresses

shorts

short sleeved shirts

panties

stretch mark cream

body pillow

midwife supplies and fee

------------------------------------

And if I use the baby cost calculator online at : www.BabyCenter.com

It will look aomething like this:

Occasional babysitter: 25.00 per month x 12 months

Disposable diapers: 72.00 per month x 12 months
---Wipes: 20.00 per month x 12 months

Solid food: 30.00 per month x 12 

Clothes: 20.00 per month x 12

College: 10.00 per month x 12

Medical: 23.00 per month x 12

Toiletries: 15.00 per month x 12

Toys/ media: 20.00 per month x 12 

GRAND TOTAL:

$2,580.00 thats for ongoing costs. Not bab. Will be less though considering we are going to use both disposables and cloth diapers! :)

I'm going crazy

          I feel as though I am going crazy! I have had baby fever for the full 3 months we have been married and even before that! Dont get me wrong. I absolutely adore my husband. I love him more than anything! And would never do anything to hurt him.

   The problem is though.....I want kids now and he doesnt! And for some unexplainable reason I cannot bring my head to understand this. I feel all alone. Which does make sense considering he is the more realistic side of me. But its strange...

Okay so the other day he was getting all excited about kids; watching pregnancy and adoption videos. Which he never does and he was getting really excited! And I thought that maybe he was you know, wanting a baby by then. Then today he's like we should wait to have kids.

    WTF?! I don't get it! I feel as though he is toying with my emotions and mocking me again! I DON'T GET IT! I mean weighing out what you can and cant do with a baby are pretty small for the things you cant do.

Money: Yes, we work at Burger King. Yes, we make minimum wage. But, you know what? Plenty of people do that. And sides I'm trying to decide on a business i can do at home.

Traveling: That's a real biggie for him. But, once again, it can be done with a baby. Sides i have a severe phobia of flying right now.

Relationship: I have to agree with him on that one. It could be stronger.
-Personal relationship with God: Needs to be worked on severely

I just cant grasp and understand it.

But, we have possibly talked about February. I hope we can start trying in a year. I don't think i can wait much longer than a year.

The beginning part 1

I was born a baby. Into the arms of a loving mommy and daddy. I was a happy baby, bubbly, easily excited.
  Up until age 2, I loved swimming had many camping trips, even fishing! I loved grandma, grandpa and my uncles and generally everyone. My mom even let me experience the fireworks when I was but, a baby.
    My brother was born the year I turned 3. My parents, it seemed in my 3 year old mind, were abandoning me to be with him. I grew very jealous. But, after he started to situp and babble, he was a playmate. He was okay! We started watching movies together, and playing.
      But being bigger and older i had quite a temper and little patience. I pushed him down, fought, and was really bossy but that was typical sibling stuff. Right around this time my parents marriage had taken quite a toll and they had started fighting. This continued off and on for a good 2 years.
     As I recall they were petty fights as well. Nothing spectacular, or least thats what i though up until age 5 that is.As unusual as it was my mother started most of the fights and was very abusive towards my father. The fights started to escalate to throwing things, fists, horrible words and lots of screaming...I still try to block it out.
     During those times I mostly recall protecting my brother by covering his ears and playing with him until it stopped. We hid in his room, upstairs or under tables petting our cat.
      The marriage turned even worse as my mother had been corresponding with a guy in another state, and left us for several months. My, dad being unfit, my brother being still very young, I did alot of work helping and taking care of my brother. I thought maybe i had done something wrong, that thats why she left.
   When she came back after it did not work out, my mother got a seperation from my father. At the age 5-8 we lived alot with my grandparents. My mother, brother, me, and grandma and grandpa. And lots of babysitters.
    Around the first grade age I started becoming an introvert or more appropriate very shy. I was real excited about school as i had an escape from home. And to meet kids my age, to play and such!
   The first day of school was one of the most fun i had had in ages! I loved school at that age.
First grade came and went.
Then came second. I had a learning disability but, they refused to test me. Meaning that i was behind all of the other students. My mother having had very little patience and very little understanding of me to that point, started screaming at me, pulling my hair, and other verbal abuses up til that point.
   

The almost beginning

  I have been married for almost 2 months now! Some of the best months of my life! My husband has been so great to me! I don't know where I would be without him.....no...I do. Everything happens for a reason. As      
    I have been told and I believe. And when people ask "Oh how did you and your husband meet?" Do I say that i was about to give up on life?

     That if someone did not email me back that i had a plan to kill myself? How in the world do you tell people that story? And what do you say if they continue and ask you why you were suicidal? Maybe if i just keep it at "he saved me." And that's all. 

       I sense you asking why I was suicidal. Or maybe you don't care. But, you know I'm going to rant and it will be long and boring. Cause well, i have to start in the beginning. I guess here goes my testimony.

First post EVER!

OK!

So my first blog post on this blog which is a more general blog. Mostly about life. And pretty much a space I can rant and vent and share whatever needs to be shared and written. So, first off in about um.....16 days I will no longer be my own person.
      I will be a wife. And then later a mother. I know I know. "What's the big deal?" Well there is allot. First, I'm actually quite young. 21.
     Second: I have been wanting this since the first year we have been together. (we have been together 3 years). But, I'm terrified something will change.

     Third: Wedding planning is a demon in disguise!! Omgosh! Never Again will I ever ever EVER plan a wedding AGAIN! We had to move our original date because my fiancee did not have a job among other unimportant things that do not matter now.

And pretty much that's it. I am looking forward to being a wife! :)

I'm just wondering though.....Is it possible to live off of only one minimum wage paycheck? I can find no ideas or anything along those lines anywhere. And I would love to be a stay at home wife.

Anyways,

Tootles =)