Survivor:Random post; Warning: graphic

I am a survivor. That is what I do. That is what I continue to do. This time of year has really made me depressed. Mostly because its almost the end of the year and I feel as though I have accomplished yet again nothing with my life. At those moments of time I have to take a step back and look at not what I have accomplished this year but, in the bigger picture my whole life.

I've shared my testimony 2 times in my life. I did leave out quite a few details that are actually quite important to my life story. But, instead of looking at what happened to me I will tell what I am a survivor of. Although I guess it could be the same thing.




1. I am a survivor of ABUSE. By both my mother, grandfather and cousin. There was no sexual abuse, although there are some questionable instances from my childhood I'm not quite sure about. A lot of Emotional and some physical. I was very very verbally abused. And I have had counseling. But, it still sticks and I have breakdowns now. But, I am slowly healing. And since moving out of my house, when I visit I feel how suffocating it really was. I do love my mother very much and both my grandfather and cousin as well. I I have forgiven all of them as well. So, yes.




2. This one is more of an extreme accomplishment more so then a survival. I was diagnosed as having severe dyslexia and auditory learning disability. If you don't know what dyslexia is: difficulty reading and spelling for no apparent reason. The person may be intelligent, able to achieve well in other areas and exposed to the same education as others, but is unable to read at the expected level. Common problem areas include spelling, comprehension, reading and identification of words. Pretty much the Auditory problem was I couldn't understand what you were saying unless I had a book or you had to show me with your hands as well as say it. So instructions were real hard for me unless I had a page to read and follow. Well anyways lol! I was supposed to be held back and they told me I would never get to high school. If I did they pretty much said that I would never graduate. I passed all my grades never had a single special ed class. Went through the normal classes. I was home schooled starting at 6th grade but that was because of migraines.

And just to say how bad my dyslexia was: I couldn't read until late 3rd-4th grade. I couldn't tell time til i was in 12th grade. I can say though that at 21 I have only a few problems with reading. I sometimes get b and d confused. At work I have to go in order on the screen and I have a hard time doing 2 things at once. And I very rarely but sometimes need instructions told to me 2 x.


3. I am a survivor of migraines. I still have them. But, I started getting them at the end of 3rd grade. And have had them ever since. They are much much better now though. They had nausea, black dots, paralysis, i even black out sometimes. It was really frightening. That is why I say I am a survivor of them.


4. I am a survivor of bullying. As a young teenager I was diagnosed with a severe social anxiety , symptoms of paranoia (not severe, more annoying) and symptoms of Borderline Personality disorder. Add to the fact I started to wear more black and got a lip piercing and my mom pushing me to make friends and 'be more like her' i was a target of bullying. I was home schooled for 6 years, we had a meeting where a group of homeschoolers got together for classes one day a week. I expected my peers to bully me. I knew they would, which they did but they weren't as bad as the parents. I got comments from many of the 'ADULTS'. that was what was bad. My home life continued to get worse as time went on. So, I tried to make friends like my mother wanted me too. (I did make 2 best friends though! And we are still friends!) So yes, I survived bullying!


5. I am a survivor of Bulimia and anorexia ( mostly bulimia). This is a tricky subject. Because as my mental health was getting worse no one really said anything to me at this period of time, so my thinking of this was "Obviously no one was saying anything then I'm not that sick so it's OK to continue". It started out as to lose 'some' weight. Well, we all know how that goes. We lose some weight, look in the mirror and see more fat. The more we lose, the more fat we see. Before I started the cycle, I would look in the mirror and see me, not a fat person. But, then I would pinch as much fat as I could and show myself the fat I needed to lose. I went to my counselor as a last resort and lied and said how much I thought I weighed. She scoffed at me. I didn't bring it up again.

I started to hear not a voice. But, my voice in my head a completely and utterly wrong voice. I ignored it until i started getting flashbacks of the abuse I had had. It continued for months telling me how fat i had become. That I was stupid. That I deserved everything. To be beautiful I needed to see my ribs and the lies go on and on.....

The first time I did it I knew it was wrong. I told myself never again. And I actually didn't do it again for like a couple of days to a week. I did it again. And again. And again. I used mainly laxatives and puking. At my worst I took over 10 laxatives in day. I knew it was dangerous. I wasn't stupid, well I was but, the high it gave me was far greater than really anything else. I exercised so much the one day that I don't even remember getting into bed. I used to withhold water when i exercised because I was worried it would stay in my system.

I was that way for a year -2 years. I had started up again when i got hired at burger king. I had noticed how all the weight from the food I was eating was making me fat. I did that for another 6-8 months. A co-worker threatened me and i stopped. I have days where I think it would be simpler to just do it to lose weight. Since stopping I have gained about 20 pounds. But, I would rather be overweight and not have my ribs stick out at 125-130 pounds. The benefits of being healthy are: I have curves, boobs, my stomach does not hurt now from the acid coming up, and I don't feel like I have to hide or be sneaky.


6. I am a survivor of Myself. I vowed to kill myself at 18. I never had a plan per say. But, I did create a will and thought how i would do it. And I carved a cross in to my thigh./ I put out all of my information online to strangers an dating sites. I was 18 at the time so I did survive the vow. I had planned to meet up with an ex con and marry him. He was 11 years older then me. He wanted me just so he could get his daughter back. There was another guy I was going to meet up with just so he could take my virginity. I also talked to another guy online my age at the time, who called me names. Like: whore, bitch, Slut, Worthless; people don't really consider that abuse. When it still hurts./ I tried running away with a girl i had never met when we were going to the same place. I had a bag packed. I directions written and money; I had stolen some jewelry from my mother and some money./ I was so desperate for love practically every guy I talked to online I sent naked pictures of me. I am very ashamed and am very scared that those photos could go viral at any minute. I didn't know what love was./ I think our worst enemies could be ourselves.


7. I am a survivor of SELF INJURY. This is one of the biggest things to me because I have/ am struggling(ed) with it. 7 years I have struggled with this. Although my urge to do this has significantly gone down. It is still there so I wouldn't say I am a complete survivor of this YET. But, I need to/ want to tell my story. So whatever way you say this is...is your option.

I started self harming at the early age of 15. But, if you trace this to as far back as my childhood, I started banging my head back in 3rd grade. But, it wasn't consistent. I started to hurt my self at 15. I had seen it on TV. But, I wondered why someone would do that to themselves. I had forgotten about it and had a horrible day and remembered what I saw and the relief I felt was...like almost the relaxation you get from a massage. And well to be honest My bulimia made it worse. The 2 put together put my body in so much over drive that one day I started to exercise and after I felt my anxiety build to the point of explosion I cut myself, I passed out for several min. Or at least it felt that long.

I had started doing it more and more. Every single mistake was a trigger. I had to be PERFECT. And I had made myself think that to be perfect i needed to be punished. As well as the release made me feel relaxation and real. At my complete worst I bet I had done it at least 30 times. And when people say Self harmer's are resourceful they are not kidding

My parents first found out when i was 16. I had cuts on my fingertips. They took me to the hospital. The doctor asked if i wanted to die i said no. The doctor said i could go home. I begged the doctor to send me somewhere. They said why and I went home.

My parents ripped out the razor i had hidden. And that was that....? No. I found a plastic shaving razor took scissors and cut the safety part away. Broke off the end and taped it to my bed. That was fail #2. Parents found it. Attempt #3: Took the razor and taped it inside a safety kit. And had a screwdriver. At this attempt, I started to only cut on my thighs, so shorts could cover it up and they wouldn't see unless they lifted my pants. Failed. Parents found safety kit, but not the screwdriver. In that time period i managed to slice away at my skin using not only a razor but:

Screwdriver, matches, a pencil, a pen, my teeth, my fingernails, nails, screws, used the hammer from work (hit my arm so hard gave me a bruise from my wrist to my elbow), I started hitting my head (the cement floor at work), Toilet paper holder at work(the part where you rip the toilet paper off), The bottom metal part of the door at work, absolute worst of worst was using the car cigarette lighter(hurt like a mother f****r!), straight edged razor, and my most recent dangerous; withholding water or fluids.

I have words carved into me forever. Love, Hate, UGLY. My legs are covered in scars. My stomach is scarred. My arms are scarred. My hip is covered in scars. I'm not scared to show my scars. I'm not proud of them. They are there. I cannot change my past. I have to say though that they are there to show people that you may have a few scars from life but, that you survived.

This is me. I have survived. And thank God that I am. I am a stronger person. Thank you, God! This is who i am. I am built to survive. God bless!