Hello!
Some updates on our life and what not!
Ok. So, we are on 8th cycle going on 9th cycle.
I was trying to be gluten free and avoided certain things. But, we failed miserably in the sex factor and other things.
This cycle I am:
Limiting carbs
Watching sugar
Eating 3-5 servings of veggies a day
Eating 2-3 servings of fruit a day
Taking a better prenatal vitamin with DHA (which was not included in the other one)
Also eating a fortified cereal with a daily dose of iron and 40-50% of vitamins for a day
Watching also serving sizes
Also have been getting on hubby to lose weight again. Not only for ttc but, also for health in general. He got a new job at a bakery and has been eating alot of sweets. But, I am mainly concerned that he might have a higher risk for a big list of serious health problems.
He is continuing to take zinc. And we will be striving for every other day for sexy time.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Thursday, September 26, 2013
30 day challenge
1. How long have you been self harming? Discuss why you started.
--I have been self harming for almost 8 years. But, it goes farther back than just 8 years....at a young age I had started to hit my head on walls and hit things until I felt severe pain. This was around the ages of 10 and 11.
I started to self harm mainly because I was curious as to if it could actually help me with overwhelming emotions I had within. And unfortunately it did.
2. What part of your body is most affected by it?
--There is not one part of my body not covered in at least 1 scar. But, mainly my arms and legs have suffered the most.
3. What is your motivation to recover?
--Myself. I do not want to be like this forever. I have wasted my life away fighting. I want to feel....without the taste of a blade.
4. Do you consider yourself “addicted”? why or why not?
--Yes. 8 years of pulling a blade to my skin....I think it is an addiction. It is a high....
5. What part of self harm do you dislike the most?
--The promises that I make to myself. "I will never do this again." Or "Just one time." The lies that it brings. The shame. The guilt. The disappointment. And mainly the worry from friends and family. As well as the addiction...needing it to feel, or when you feel too much.
6. What about it do you enjoy?
--When people worry...sometimes it makes me feel alive. I enjoy the sensations, because for a moment....it feels as though everything is in your grasp. That the world is not actually spinning that fast. That time itself can slow itself. It makes me forget and subsides flashbacks. I like the high....the peace....and no living nightmares.....
7. list 10 activities that help you calm down.
--Reading and writing.
8. What the most supportive thing anyone has said to you about self harm?
--That we were in this together and he will always be there for me no matter what." And it actually wasn't about the words but, his actions....he has held true to what he says. :) My husband btw lol
9. Have you ever taken pictures of your wounds? Discuss.
--yes. It was a very dark time in my life. I documented the word LOVE carved into my upper arm.
10. How do you feel about your scars?
--I like my scars. I am terribly sad that most of them are fading. I like to look at them and remind myself of what I have overcome.
11. Strangest place (school, park, etc) you’ve ever injured yourself?
--In the car.
12. Where do you keep your ‘tools’? (Your room, in a box, disposed of them?)
--I have long since disposed of any nearby utensils. But, when I did I kept them in a first aid kit under my bed.
13. What is the biggest realization about self harm you’ve had?
--That I am not alone. After hitting 20 I thought that the only people who did this were in their teens....I was soo wrong. I am now 22 and hoping that from this I can get over this isolated thinking.
14. Is there anyone you consider to be an inspiration in your recovery?
--My husband is # 1. Been there for me for almost 5 years now. I do not want to thank the typical people...In all honesty they were part of my problem and actually drove me to do it more....excluding: Pastors, relatives, church members, and other youth leaders who I tried to stay in contact with but, refused to talk more to me. I want to for my best friend...she was there so much for me and my brother and sister.
15. Do you visit any websites about self harm? If so, what are they?
--sometimes...but mainly recovery websites.
16. What advice would you give to someone about self harm?
--Dont make that first cut. Don't think that this will make what you are going through easier or simpler, it will only complicate matters. Don't think that you can make "only one cut" Or that you can quit anytime you want too...it just wont happen.
17. Do you know anyone else who injures themselves?
--yes and no. Several people who I know used too...and a few who still do.
18. Write a letter to the future (recovered) you.
--Dream big and reach for it.
19. List 5 reasons that recovery is worth it.
--I will be me again and will not let any addiction define me. I will know emotion and be able to handle them. I will have survived the WAR. I will not have to explain to my kids why mommy is scared of herself. I will not be ALONE.
20. What is the most vivid memory you have of self harm.
--One night I didn't eat and I told myself I had to do 150 situps before bed. My anxiety was super high and I failed the situps . I cut myself pretty deep and should have gotten stitches....but, it healed and I now have a super deep scar.
21. Have you tried to stop in the past? What are you doing differently this time?
--yes....many many times. I am not afraid of relapse anymore. If it happens I do not think of myself as a failure...but, a learning lesson. This way of thinking as made me make through 6 months, 7 months, 8, months and possibly more but, you cannot be afraid.
22. Where do you feel the most calm?
--My bedroom.
23. What is your favorite inspirational quote?
--I can't just pick one :)
24. What are some of your main triggers? Why?
--People screaming at each other, A room full of people, A child being spanked, I have a hard time with people being in pain, and people being disappointed. I would rather not go into detail.
25. Do you know any statistics about self harm?
--I think /i do. 1 in 300 girls self harm. and I think it was like 10-15% of males self harm.
26. What is something that makes you the most happy?
--My hubby. When we hug and create a bond that no matter what happens we will have each other
27. Discuss any and all progress you have made.
--Well, I do not think about it all of the time...it used to be pretty much every time I made any kind of mistake I would feel the need to self harm. I only feel I need it when I am out of control or in times of very high stress.
28. What short-term goals do you have?
--We would like to be parents. We are looking for a house to buy. Also looking for a new job. I also would like to quit self harming...turning my old thinking into something wonderful.
29. Do you follow any self-harm blogs?
--I do but not on a regular basis.
30. Post your favorite picture of yourself and write a positive message to look back on.
--I would rather not post a picture but, a positive message would be. NEVER GIVE UP.
And thus ends this 30 day challenge that I completed in...oh....2 days. Thanks for reading!
--I have been self harming for almost 8 years. But, it goes farther back than just 8 years....at a young age I had started to hit my head on walls and hit things until I felt severe pain. This was around the ages of 10 and 11.
I started to self harm mainly because I was curious as to if it could actually help me with overwhelming emotions I had within. And unfortunately it did.
2. What part of your body is most affected by it?
--There is not one part of my body not covered in at least 1 scar. But, mainly my arms and legs have suffered the most.
3. What is your motivation to recover?
--Myself. I do not want to be like this forever. I have wasted my life away fighting. I want to feel....without the taste of a blade.
4. Do you consider yourself “addicted”? why or why not?
--Yes. 8 years of pulling a blade to my skin....I think it is an addiction. It is a high....
5. What part of self harm do you dislike the most?
--The promises that I make to myself. "I will never do this again." Or "Just one time." The lies that it brings. The shame. The guilt. The disappointment. And mainly the worry from friends and family. As well as the addiction...needing it to feel, or when you feel too much.
6. What about it do you enjoy?
--When people worry...sometimes it makes me feel alive. I enjoy the sensations, because for a moment....it feels as though everything is in your grasp. That the world is not actually spinning that fast. That time itself can slow itself. It makes me forget and subsides flashbacks. I like the high....the peace....and no living nightmares.....
7. list 10 activities that help you calm down.
--Reading and writing.
8. What the most supportive thing anyone has said to you about self harm?
--That we were in this together and he will always be there for me no matter what." And it actually wasn't about the words but, his actions....he has held true to what he says. :) My husband btw lol
9. Have you ever taken pictures of your wounds? Discuss.
--yes. It was a very dark time in my life. I documented the word LOVE carved into my upper arm.
10. How do you feel about your scars?
--I like my scars. I am terribly sad that most of them are fading. I like to look at them and remind myself of what I have overcome.
11. Strangest place (school, park, etc) you’ve ever injured yourself?
--In the car.
12. Where do you keep your ‘tools’? (Your room, in a box, disposed of them?)
--I have long since disposed of any nearby utensils. But, when I did I kept them in a first aid kit under my bed.
13. What is the biggest realization about self harm you’ve had?
--That I am not alone. After hitting 20 I thought that the only people who did this were in their teens....I was soo wrong. I am now 22 and hoping that from this I can get over this isolated thinking.
14. Is there anyone you consider to be an inspiration in your recovery?
--My husband is # 1. Been there for me for almost 5 years now. I do not want to thank the typical people...In all honesty they were part of my problem and actually drove me to do it more....excluding: Pastors, relatives, church members, and other youth leaders who I tried to stay in contact with but, refused to talk more to me. I want to for my best friend...she was there so much for me and my brother and sister.
15. Do you visit any websites about self harm? If so, what are they?
--sometimes...but mainly recovery websites.
16. What advice would you give to someone about self harm?
--Dont make that first cut. Don't think that this will make what you are going through easier or simpler, it will only complicate matters. Don't think that you can make "only one cut" Or that you can quit anytime you want too...it just wont happen.
17. Do you know anyone else who injures themselves?
--yes and no. Several people who I know used too...and a few who still do.
18. Write a letter to the future (recovered) you.
--Dream big and reach for it.
19. List 5 reasons that recovery is worth it.
--I will be me again and will not let any addiction define me. I will know emotion and be able to handle them. I will have survived the WAR. I will not have to explain to my kids why mommy is scared of herself. I will not be ALONE.
20. What is the most vivid memory you have of self harm.
--One night I didn't eat and I told myself I had to do 150 situps before bed. My anxiety was super high and I failed the situps . I cut myself pretty deep and should have gotten stitches....but, it healed and I now have a super deep scar.
21. Have you tried to stop in the past? What are you doing differently this time?
--yes....many many times. I am not afraid of relapse anymore. If it happens I do not think of myself as a failure...but, a learning lesson. This way of thinking as made me make through 6 months, 7 months, 8, months and possibly more but, you cannot be afraid.
22. Where do you feel the most calm?
--My bedroom.
23. What is your favorite inspirational quote?
--I can't just pick one :)
24. What are some of your main triggers? Why?
--People screaming at each other, A room full of people, A child being spanked, I have a hard time with people being in pain, and people being disappointed. I would rather not go into detail.
25. Do you know any statistics about self harm?
--I think /i do. 1 in 300 girls self harm. and I think it was like 10-15% of males self harm.
26. What is something that makes you the most happy?
--My hubby. When we hug and create a bond that no matter what happens we will have each other
27. Discuss any and all progress you have made.
--Well, I do not think about it all of the time...it used to be pretty much every time I made any kind of mistake I would feel the need to self harm. I only feel I need it when I am out of control or in times of very high stress.
28. What short-term goals do you have?
--We would like to be parents. We are looking for a house to buy. Also looking for a new job. I also would like to quit self harming...turning my old thinking into something wonderful.
29. Do you follow any self-harm blogs?
--I do but not on a regular basis.
30. Post your favorite picture of yourself and write a positive message to look back on.
--I would rather not post a picture but, a positive message would be. NEVER GIVE UP.
And thus ends this 30 day challenge that I completed in...oh....2 days. Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
30 day challenge
So, there is a 30 day challenge I am interested in that I will be doing...
Here are the questions:
30 day self harm challenge
1. How long have you been self harming? Discuss why you started.
2. What part of your body is most affected by it?
3. What is your motivation to recover?
4. Do you consider yourself “addicted”? why or why not?
5. What part of self harm do you dislike the most?
6. What about it do you enjoy?
7. list 10 activities that help you calm down.
8. What the most supportive thing anyone has said to you about self harm?
9. Have you ever taken pictures of your wounds? Discuss.
10. How do you feel about your scars?
11. Strangest place (school, park, etc) you’ve ever injured yourself?
12. Where do you keep your ‘tools’? (Your room, in a box, disposed of them?)
13. What is the biggest realization about self harm you’ve had?
14. Is there anyone you consider to be an inspiration in your recovery?
15. Do you visit any websites about self harm? If so, what are they?
16. What advice would you give to someone about self harm?
17. Do you know anyone else who injures themselves?
18. Write a letter to the future (recovered) you.
19. List 5 reasons that recovery is worth it.
20. What is the most vivid memory you have of self harm.
21. Have you tried to stop in the past? What are you doing differently this time?
22. Where do you feel the most calm?
23. What is your favorite inspirational quote?
24. What are some of your main triggers? Why?
25. Do you know any statistics about self harm?
26. What is something that makes you the most happy?
27. Discuss any and all progress you have made.
28. What short-term goals do you have?
29. Do you follow any self-harm blogs?
30. Post your favorite picture of yourself and write a positive message to look back on.
I think I ca answer alot of these in one day but, I will see how many I can get through first. Also, if you do not like me talking about this subject please by all means dont read.
Here are the questions:
30 day self harm challenge
1. How long have you been self harming? Discuss why you started.
2. What part of your body is most affected by it?
3. What is your motivation to recover?
4. Do you consider yourself “addicted”? why or why not?
5. What part of self harm do you dislike the most?
6. What about it do you enjoy?
7. list 10 activities that help you calm down.
8. What the most supportive thing anyone has said to you about self harm?
9. Have you ever taken pictures of your wounds? Discuss.
10. How do you feel about your scars?
11. Strangest place (school, park, etc) you’ve ever injured yourself?
12. Where do you keep your ‘tools’? (Your room, in a box, disposed of them?)
13. What is the biggest realization about self harm you’ve had?
14. Is there anyone you consider to be an inspiration in your recovery?
15. Do you visit any websites about self harm? If so, what are they?
16. What advice would you give to someone about self harm?
17. Do you know anyone else who injures themselves?
18. Write a letter to the future (recovered) you.
19. List 5 reasons that recovery is worth it.
20. What is the most vivid memory you have of self harm.
21. Have you tried to stop in the past? What are you doing differently this time?
22. Where do you feel the most calm?
23. What is your favorite inspirational quote?
24. What are some of your main triggers? Why?
25. Do you know any statistics about self harm?
26. What is something that makes you the most happy?
27. Discuss any and all progress you have made.
28. What short-term goals do you have?
29. Do you follow any self-harm blogs?
30. Post your favorite picture of yourself and write a positive message to look back on.
I think I ca answer alot of these in one day but, I will see how many I can get through first. Also, if you do not like me talking about this subject please by all means dont read.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Changing our lifestyle
Wow. OK. We are actually changing alot of things around here. We believe it will benefit mind, body, and souls.
1. Watching how much plastic we are using. Safe plastic is: 1,2,4,5. While contaminated plastics or more unsafe fabrics are: 3, 6,7. Plastics have a lot of unsafe chemicals in them. As well as BPA in a lot of plastic bottles.
2. Cooking more naturally. At the suggestion of several doctors, I have begun to transition from all processed foods to...beginning in June, all homemade foods. Including:
-Mayonnaise
- Italian dressing
-Ranch
-Ketchup
-Pickles
-Breads
There is more....at this time I can not think of any more. We will also hopefully be getting our gardens up and going and/or be shopping at the Farmers Market. We will be also transitioning to Brown Rice Pastas and possibly see if we can make our own.
3. Dietary changes. I have been to the doctors and she recommended I go on a gluten free diet to increase my fertility. So, we will be incorporating that into our diet this coming month as well.
4. The doctor believes that I have not been ovulating. So, to help with this here are a few things I will be trying this new cycle:
-1 cup of grapefruit juice a day
-Evening Primrose oil. Have heard some excellent things
-Fertility yoga everyday
5. Going to be making all of our own personal products.
-Shampoo
-Conditioner
-soap
-laundry soap
-Insect repellent
-deodorant
-Air Freshener spray
-All purpose cleaner
-Hair spray
-Flea spray all natural
6. Will be getting rid of our tv., And putting away our game systems that we do not use.
7.We will also only be online for 1 1/2 hours every day and that will be it.
8. We will only be having our laptops out on the kitchen table as well. No more laptops in the bedroom.
We will be having a list of books we want to read by the end of the year instead. And be reading them in the amount of time we would instead be online.
9. We will be starting up our devotionals together and also be doing individual ones during the day.
10. Last but, not least we will be only watching one movie per week as our date night. Instead of watching a whole bunch through the week.
Thanks for Reading!
Raven Dudis
1. Watching how much plastic we are using. Safe plastic is: 1,2,4,5. While contaminated plastics or more unsafe fabrics are: 3, 6,7. Plastics have a lot of unsafe chemicals in them. As well as BPA in a lot of plastic bottles.
2. Cooking more naturally. At the suggestion of several doctors, I have begun to transition from all processed foods to...beginning in June, all homemade foods. Including:
-Mayonnaise
- Italian dressing
-Ranch
-Ketchup
-Pickles
-Breads
There is more....at this time I can not think of any more. We will also hopefully be getting our gardens up and going and/or be shopping at the Farmers Market. We will be also transitioning to Brown Rice Pastas and possibly see if we can make our own.
3. Dietary changes. I have been to the doctors and she recommended I go on a gluten free diet to increase my fertility. So, we will be incorporating that into our diet this coming month as well.
4. The doctor believes that I have not been ovulating. So, to help with this here are a few things I will be trying this new cycle:
-1 cup of grapefruit juice a day
-Evening Primrose oil. Have heard some excellent things
-Fertility yoga everyday
5. Going to be making all of our own personal products.
-Shampoo
-Conditioner
-soap
-laundry soap
-Insect repellent
-deodorant
-Air Freshener spray
-All purpose cleaner
-Hair spray
-Flea spray all natural
6. Will be getting rid of our tv., And putting away our game systems that we do not use.
7.We will also only be online for 1 1/2 hours every day and that will be it.
8. We will only be having our laptops out on the kitchen table as well. No more laptops in the bedroom.
We will be having a list of books we want to read by the end of the year instead. And be reading them in the amount of time we would instead be online.
9. We will be starting up our devotionals together and also be doing individual ones during the day.
10. Last but, not least we will be only watching one movie per week as our date night. Instead of watching a whole bunch through the week.
Thanks for Reading!
Raven Dudis
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Infertility Tips
There is a thing called Infertility. And even though I am only 4 months in...I am already getting advice for it. So, to all those women who have been trying for longer or even only 4 months you guys are like my hero's! To fail and try again...you guys are like my models. I know you guys aren't perfect...and trust me I know it is hard to get back on the saddle again....but, still. Oh, this also goes to every woman who has been told that she could never have kids.
And if by some miracle we conceive this month...I will still spread your message. Anyways onto my rant/ informative post.
I am surrounded by other christian women, who all have children. Don't get me wrong....I love these women very much. But, I do think they are very naive when it comes to the younger generation and things pertaining to TTC women.
We have a bible study group and it is compiled of mainly older grandmothers, and mid 30 mothers. I am the youngest, which in a way is cool because I can make them see my side. A young wife, early 20's, trying to conceive.
I hear: "I got pregnant so easily, I got pregnant on our first try, It was so hard being a mother, I can't get a wink of privacy." And I will readily admit that I am jealous. I want what they have. And to be honest, when I hear those things I get defensive and say " I would never complain if I have kids" Which probably isn't true in the slightest.
But, I am going to be happy at the same time and probably complain as well. The one thing though I do not understand is if you only have one child.....and you try for another one and fail....why do you need to complain about not having another child, when there are so many children that need homes...
And if you are complaining because you have more than 2-3 children....well, truth be told, but, God gave you contraceptives to use. If you don't agree with the pill, there are condoms.
"Just relax it will happen." How are you supposed to do that exactly?
"Tilt your hips after sex" We have been doing that!
"Have sex every other day" Done.
"Don't forget your vitamins!" I have been taking prenatal since October 2012.
"Lose weight, eat healthy, do yoga, try acupuncture, etc." AAH!!!
If you are trying to conceive, know you are not alone. These are a few things that help me:
1. Blog! Blogging has really helped me. Gets your thoughts and rants out there.
2. Keep a journal if you don't like blogging.
3. Another cool thing I am going to start back up is: If you have a video camera, vlog about your baby journey.
4. Do not let sex get boring! I know you want a baby but, try different positions. I know the age old positions are doggy and missionary. But, it only takes one sperm to do the job. Go through the Kama sutra.
5. Have Spontaneous sex! Do both planned and spontaneous. Planning is good for hectically busy couples, but so is random spur of the moment. We do both.
6. Keep the romance alive. I truly believe that cuddling and sex can reach a very high level of intimacy but, add a little romance and you will feel like you were just married. Have a date night at home. And ladies this is a secret but, men like to be romanced too, just in a different way.
7. I know this is hard to do, probably especially if you have suffered a miscarriage..but, I am slowly collecting baby stuff. Clothes, books I would like to read to them, and some stuffed animals, and a few cloth diapers. And my reasoning is that if we don't conceive, we will definitely be adopting as young as we can get, and if that fails I know I can give it to someone it could really use it. And I only buy like 1-2 thrift store outfits per week.
8. Relaxation. I know how hard it is to relax. I don't even think my body knows what it means lol! But, it does help a little bit. If it doesn't help for the baby making process, at least it can help the mind. And this can be done through:
Reading the Bible and meditating on it
Taking a bath with bubbles or lavender oils
I personally do yoga to relax, to help my back, and there is a few fertility yoga moves I do. They help align the hips.
9. Take time for you. If you are sad because you didn't do it this cycle, cry for as long as needed. Let yourself be angry, but, not at yourself or at hubby. Remember you guys are a team. Once you release the emotions....like up to a day....go on with life and think of that as a new cycle. A fresh start. Do not dwell on the past.
10. Do not neglect your husband. He will be sad as well. Remember, your husband is here first. You love your husband first and baby second. Do things together. Not necessarily romantic. Just do a activity he enjoys, bake him cookies, garden if he likes to garden.
11. Do yourself a favor and don't look at things that promise you things. You will get pregnant in your own time. In God's time.
12. Continue taking vitamins, I recommend doing yoga, and fertility massages. If nothing else they feel good and your body will feel better.
Sure hope I helped a little bit.
If you were ever told you could never have kids, if you have a uterus...you can get pregnant. I am reminded of Abraham and Sarah. Just don't give up. God gave us IVF for a reason. And adoption.
Everyone hang tight! Dont give up!
Love, Raven
And if by some miracle we conceive this month...I will still spread your message. Anyways onto my rant/ informative post.
I am surrounded by other christian women, who all have children. Don't get me wrong....I love these women very much. But, I do think they are very naive when it comes to the younger generation and things pertaining to TTC women.
We have a bible study group and it is compiled of mainly older grandmothers, and mid 30 mothers. I am the youngest, which in a way is cool because I can make them see my side. A young wife, early 20's, trying to conceive.
I hear: "I got pregnant so easily, I got pregnant on our first try, It was so hard being a mother, I can't get a wink of privacy." And I will readily admit that I am jealous. I want what they have. And to be honest, when I hear those things I get defensive and say " I would never complain if I have kids" Which probably isn't true in the slightest.
But, I am going to be happy at the same time and probably complain as well. The one thing though I do not understand is if you only have one child.....and you try for another one and fail....why do you need to complain about not having another child, when there are so many children that need homes...
And if you are complaining because you have more than 2-3 children....well, truth be told, but, God gave you contraceptives to use. If you don't agree with the pill, there are condoms.
"Just relax it will happen." How are you supposed to do that exactly?
"Tilt your hips after sex" We have been doing that!
"Have sex every other day" Done.
"Don't forget your vitamins!" I have been taking prenatal since October 2012.
"Lose weight, eat healthy, do yoga, try acupuncture, etc." AAH!!!
If you are trying to conceive, know you are not alone. These are a few things that help me:
1. Blog! Blogging has really helped me. Gets your thoughts and rants out there.
2. Keep a journal if you don't like blogging.
3. Another cool thing I am going to start back up is: If you have a video camera, vlog about your baby journey.
4. Do not let sex get boring! I know you want a baby but, try different positions. I know the age old positions are doggy and missionary. But, it only takes one sperm to do the job. Go through the Kama sutra.
5. Have Spontaneous sex! Do both planned and spontaneous. Planning is good for hectically busy couples, but so is random spur of the moment. We do both.
6. Keep the romance alive. I truly believe that cuddling and sex can reach a very high level of intimacy but, add a little romance and you will feel like you were just married. Have a date night at home. And ladies this is a secret but, men like to be romanced too, just in a different way.
7. I know this is hard to do, probably especially if you have suffered a miscarriage..but, I am slowly collecting baby stuff. Clothes, books I would like to read to them, and some stuffed animals, and a few cloth diapers. And my reasoning is that if we don't conceive, we will definitely be adopting as young as we can get, and if that fails I know I can give it to someone it could really use it. And I only buy like 1-2 thrift store outfits per week.
8. Relaxation. I know how hard it is to relax. I don't even think my body knows what it means lol! But, it does help a little bit. If it doesn't help for the baby making process, at least it can help the mind. And this can be done through:
Reading the Bible and meditating on it
Taking a bath with bubbles or lavender oils
I personally do yoga to relax, to help my back, and there is a few fertility yoga moves I do. They help align the hips.
9. Take time for you. If you are sad because you didn't do it this cycle, cry for as long as needed. Let yourself be angry, but, not at yourself or at hubby. Remember you guys are a team. Once you release the emotions....like up to a day....go on with life and think of that as a new cycle. A fresh start. Do not dwell on the past.
10. Do not neglect your husband. He will be sad as well. Remember, your husband is here first. You love your husband first and baby second. Do things together. Not necessarily romantic. Just do a activity he enjoys, bake him cookies, garden if he likes to garden.
11. Do yourself a favor and don't look at things that promise you things. You will get pregnant in your own time. In God's time.
12. Continue taking vitamins, I recommend doing yoga, and fertility massages. If nothing else they feel good and your body will feel better.
Sure hope I helped a little bit.
If you were ever told you could never have kids, if you have a uterus...you can get pregnant. I am reminded of Abraham and Sarah. Just don't give up. God gave us IVF for a reason. And adoption.
Everyone hang tight! Dont give up!
Love, Raven
Monday, April 22, 2013
Ways We are saving money Part 1 and smart Ideas
I am addicted to blogs and web searches that give ways to save money. Not only that but, I am also addicted to making lists of these Ideas. So, I thought I would share how we are saving right now and Ideas we will be implementing in the next month or so and some tips on vitamins and such. I am not a doctor. These are just vitamins that I have found that work for me and general health in general.
1. Not a way to save money, but, a tip. Soy is not good for you. There is a recent study done saying that soy in the USA is not as healthy as it should be. And that it is actually promoting cancer, heart disease and infertility. My personal opinion is: That people in the USA cannot digest it as well as say a person of asian descent.
The study also shows that people in the USA have a very high intolerance of soy. Thus contributing to the infertility. So, all those health conscience people out there.....cows milk is actually healthier for you than soy milk. If you are still ewwing out....my suggestion is to drink almond milk. I love it! I am lactose intolerant and loved soy milk......but, since finding all of this stuff out...I have cut soy from my diet. Completely.
Moral: Always read food labels. Look for: Soy and MSG.
2. We make all of our own breads. Savings: $4.00-5.00 per week. For 2 loaves.
3. Buying no meat except fish for 2 meals: Savings $20.00+ per week.
4.Hand washing all our clothes for a month. We did save about $65.00-80.00 that month. It got very tiring very fast. If I find a clothes wringer then we will go back to that.
5.paying cash at doctors appointments. Savings: A percentage off that you owe.
6. Couponing. Coupon for groceries, entertainment, medicine, doctors appointments, and all kinds of things.
Ok. Now onto Vitamins:
I take:
Prenatal vitamin
Vitamin C extra
Sometimes I will take a garlic capsule
1000 mg of fish oil
I also take a potassium pill if I feel I panic attack or hard to breathe
If I am particularly achy in my bones, I take a calcium vitamin. But, I haven't needed that in a long time
I think that is all for me.
For the hubby:
Men's Everyday Vitamin
2000 mg fish oil
I also drink:
Chamomile tea: Helps the digestive system, helps me sleep, and I have both IBS and most likely Endometriosis. So, I have almost debilitating cramps, and my stomach is very ruined from abusing advil. I discovered that chamomile tea and a heating pad really help.
Mint tea -Helps the digestive system
Almond milk for health and calcium.
And lots of water. LOTS. I have only made it up to 4. But, I am determined to get up to 10 a day.
Are trying to incorporate exercise into our routines:
Actually going to look up a fertility yoga
Going to start walking again
Alright well this wraps it up for right now
Have a great night,
Raven Dudis
1. Not a way to save money, but, a tip. Soy is not good for you. There is a recent study done saying that soy in the USA is not as healthy as it should be. And that it is actually promoting cancer, heart disease and infertility. My personal opinion is: That people in the USA cannot digest it as well as say a person of asian descent.
The study also shows that people in the USA have a very high intolerance of soy. Thus contributing to the infertility. So, all those health conscience people out there.....cows milk is actually healthier for you than soy milk. If you are still ewwing out....my suggestion is to drink almond milk. I love it! I am lactose intolerant and loved soy milk......but, since finding all of this stuff out...I have cut soy from my diet. Completely.
Moral: Always read food labels. Look for: Soy and MSG.
2. We make all of our own breads. Savings: $4.00-5.00 per week. For 2 loaves.
3. Buying no meat except fish for 2 meals: Savings $20.00+ per week.
4.Hand washing all our clothes for a month. We did save about $65.00-80.00 that month. It got very tiring very fast. If I find a clothes wringer then we will go back to that.
5.paying cash at doctors appointments. Savings: A percentage off that you owe.
6. Couponing. Coupon for groceries, entertainment, medicine, doctors appointments, and all kinds of things.
Ok. Now onto Vitamins:
I take:
Prenatal vitamin
Vitamin C extra
Sometimes I will take a garlic capsule
1000 mg of fish oil
I also take a potassium pill if I feel I panic attack or hard to breathe
If I am particularly achy in my bones, I take a calcium vitamin. But, I haven't needed that in a long time
I think that is all for me.
For the hubby:
Men's Everyday Vitamin
2000 mg fish oil
I also drink:
Chamomile tea: Helps the digestive system, helps me sleep, and I have both IBS and most likely Endometriosis. So, I have almost debilitating cramps, and my stomach is very ruined from abusing advil. I discovered that chamomile tea and a heating pad really help.
Mint tea -Helps the digestive system
Almond milk for health and calcium.
And lots of water. LOTS. I have only made it up to 4. But, I am determined to get up to 10 a day.
Are trying to incorporate exercise into our routines:
Actually going to look up a fertility yoga
Going to start walking again
Alright well this wraps it up for right now
Have a great night,
Raven Dudis
Our dream
I just would first really like to share our dream.
Our dream:
To have our own homestead, orchard and animals. To minimize our living and to live in a smaller home of about 1600 sq. ft. or smaller.
Planning to have a vegetable garden with:
-Potatoes
-Tomatoes
-Green peppers
-Carrots
-Lettuce
-Cabbage
-Peas
-Green beans
-Cucumbers
-Wheat
-Corn
-Oats
There are probably some I have forgotten.
We are also planning on having fruit trees and nut trees
-Apples
-Pears
-Peach
-Walnut
The animals we are planning on having
2-3 dogs
2-3 cats (maybe less)
1-2 milk goats
1-2 horses
maybe a pig or 2
5-12 chickens
Maybe a cow. Haven't decided on that yet.
1-2 ducks
Hubby really wants some sheep.....Maybe 1-2
If not sheep then probably some llamas or alpacas
Our dream home: We are actually looking for either a fixer upper or a trailer on a good amount of land. Our minimum amount we are looking for is nothing less than 5 acres. And actually looking at installing solar panels sometime down the line.
We will be completely free of all processed foods. Will be making our own :
-Flour-for baking and all our breads
-All veggies
-All purpose cleaners
-Laundry detergent
-Dish soap
-Cloth diapers
-Cloth wipes
-Teas
-Making all foods from scratch and
-Be a stay at home wife/mom
-Planning to also sell our extra produce at farmers markets and such.
Just a little bit of what we are dreaming. We are really hoping we will be getting this up and ready to go in 1-3 years. Already looking at houses and acreage.
Just wanted to write down all of our hopes and dreams on this blog :)
Our dream:
To have our own homestead, orchard and animals. To minimize our living and to live in a smaller home of about 1600 sq. ft. or smaller.
Planning to have a vegetable garden with:
-Potatoes
-Tomatoes
-Green peppers
-Carrots
-Lettuce
-Cabbage
-Peas
-Green beans
-Cucumbers
-Wheat
-Corn
-Oats
There are probably some I have forgotten.
We are also planning on having fruit trees and nut trees
-Apples
-Pears
-Peach
-Walnut
The animals we are planning on having
2-3 dogs
2-3 cats (maybe less)
1-2 milk goats
1-2 horses
maybe a pig or 2
5-12 chickens
Maybe a cow. Haven't decided on that yet.
1-2 ducks
Hubby really wants some sheep.....Maybe 1-2
If not sheep then probably some llamas or alpacas
Our dream home: We are actually looking for either a fixer upper or a trailer on a good amount of land. Our minimum amount we are looking for is nothing less than 5 acres. And actually looking at installing solar panels sometime down the line.
We will be completely free of all processed foods. Will be making our own :
-Flour-for baking and all our breads
-All veggies
-All purpose cleaners
-Laundry detergent
-Dish soap
-Cloth diapers
-Cloth wipes
-Teas
-Making all foods from scratch and
-Be a stay at home wife/mom
-Planning to also sell our extra produce at farmers markets and such.
Just a little bit of what we are dreaming. We are really hoping we will be getting this up and ready to go in 1-3 years. Already looking at houses and acreage.
Just wanted to write down all of our hopes and dreams on this blog :)
Thursday, April 11, 2013
A Post Of my life
So...alot has happened in the last couple of weeks.
1. Abdominal problems. Ok, so, my last period was January 29, 2013. As you can tell by the date on this post it was WAY overdue. About 2 weeks ago I went to the emergency room with right sided extreme pain. They did a urine pregnancy test, A blood pregnancy test, and a abdominal ultrasound. Everything looked ok and the Pregnancy tests all came out negative.
Well, I had an appointment with my stomach doctor and he ordered a cat scan. Got the results today and it is good news with it being just a fairly large cyst that is going away on its own! Also I got my period today! :) I am probably the only woman on the planet that is excited about that.
2. No baby. I was a little sad about that but, because my period wasn't showing up I was to worried to have anything to do with sex. But, now I know what it is, we can start trying again! :)
3. We are planning our future homestead. Yep, thats right. We will be making all of our own: veggies, keeping animals for useful things and possibly build our future home. But, for now at the apartment we will be doing alot of container gardening and some planted in the yard. We had gotten permission. So that is exciting and will save us alot of money.
4. WE ARE GETTING A FUR BABY DAUGHTER! Yes, we are getting a little baby kitten! :) We are so excited. Even though it is an extra 25$ in rent. It won't be that bad. Especially since we need to cut back on spending anyways!
5. Soon we will be coming up on our 1 year anniversary! :D And 4 years since we have been together! We will be spending the day at the Cleveland zoo and possibly a hotel. But, we got vacation hours and asked for the whole week of June 15-22 off. We will probably stay home that week except for the zoo trip.
And thats about it for now.
Going to eat supper now lol!
Bye for now, Raven
1. Abdominal problems. Ok, so, my last period was January 29, 2013. As you can tell by the date on this post it was WAY overdue. About 2 weeks ago I went to the emergency room with right sided extreme pain. They did a urine pregnancy test, A blood pregnancy test, and a abdominal ultrasound. Everything looked ok and the Pregnancy tests all came out negative.
Well, I had an appointment with my stomach doctor and he ordered a cat scan. Got the results today and it is good news with it being just a fairly large cyst that is going away on its own! Also I got my period today! :) I am probably the only woman on the planet that is excited about that.
2. No baby. I was a little sad about that but, because my period wasn't showing up I was to worried to have anything to do with sex. But, now I know what it is, we can start trying again! :)
3. We are planning our future homestead. Yep, thats right. We will be making all of our own: veggies, keeping animals for useful things and possibly build our future home. But, for now at the apartment we will be doing alot of container gardening and some planted in the yard. We had gotten permission. So that is exciting and will save us alot of money.
4. WE ARE GETTING A FUR BABY DAUGHTER! Yes, we are getting a little baby kitten! :) We are so excited. Even though it is an extra 25$ in rent. It won't be that bad. Especially since we need to cut back on spending anyways!
5. Soon we will be coming up on our 1 year anniversary! :D And 4 years since we have been together! We will be spending the day at the Cleveland zoo and possibly a hotel. But, we got vacation hours and asked for the whole week of June 15-22 off. We will probably stay home that week except for the zoo trip.
And thats about it for now.
Going to eat supper now lol!
Bye for now, Raven
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Update
I am sorry for not updating sooner. But, once again life got in the way.
Alright first this will be our 3rd cycle for TTC. I do not want to point out symptoms, but, I have noticed alot more nausea then before. And certain foods are making me more sick than others. And then again, I am noticing more symptoms now that I am paying more attention. I am thinking of keeping track in a notebook.
On to other news: I think I may have a UTI. I have avoided going to the doctors. But, I think it is a real problem. I am scared of more bills that we will not be able to afford. Not to mention I have some new symptoms.
Enough of my physical health. Onto my mental health: Scared alot, especially since taxes is going up. My head has been swimming lately. I am not sure how or what to do about that. It might just be a consequence of some past self harm. Lately my thoughts have been....lets say......daunting. My head swimming may be a result of hitting my head on things/ floors/ walls years past. Not to mention I feel as though I am defective, for not getting pregnant yet....even though it has been only 3 months.
Expectations: I have been thinking for last couple of days on how i would write this. Here it goes:
Everyone has expectations. No matter what they are. I have been remembering on my life and the expectations that people had for me. "I wanna be a veterenarian!" "Thats hard work." "I wanna be a dog groomer!" "You would be good at it" "I cut myself" "I expected that." "I vowed to kill myself at 18." "I FIGURED you would". I guess the point I am trying to say is...I had a lack of expectations in my family.
At first I wanted to prove people wrong. "I can do this! I am better. I will prove them wrong!" And that lasted quite a long time. And I felt like a failure every time I would make a mistake. When I started talking to guys online, and every time I pulled the blade across my skin. " You can do better! Why do you do this?!" is what they would scream at me.
And for a long time I wondered the same thing. So, I thought there was no point. And gave up on expectations all together. I skipped my graduation. I decided that the guys I were seeing online were going to be my expectation...I gave up. I continued talking. Thinking that if I gave everything to them: sending nude photos, talking graphically...that I could escape everything.
I was wrong. On both ends of the rope. Expectations are not what other people have. It is what we have. I almost gave up on myself because I believed that what other people believed I should or rather lacked I should make up for.
And the expectations I have right now, hardly measure out to what my parents had or have in mind. I am content. Sometimes, I look at higher.But, for right now, I am content. I always wanted to get married, and expected no less. I am now married. I always wanted kids. I am trying for kids.
When I was a young child I expected/ wanted to be a veterinarian.....as of right now I do not feel led to go to college. Which is something my parents always said I had to do....well, I dissappointed them. But, I am ok with that.
Enough about that.
Saving money. It is something we all are trying to do. Well, Me and hubby have decided that we will be washing all clothes except towels and blankets and sheets, at home. Making all our own breads, pastas, and hopefully we can get pregnant before the end of this month.
TTC:
We have been using some preseed. Taking regular prenatal vitamins, hubby taking once a day mens, Fish oil, Extra vitamin C for me. But, I am on antibiotics as of right now, so that could be a problem. I am also making sure I am getting at least 1 full fat serving per day, and trying to eat recommended doses of fruits and veggies.
Watching sugar and high fructose consumption, as well as 1 fish serving at least 2-3 times a week.
Just need to really exercise and increase my water consumption to at least 8 cups. I am only drinking probably 2-3 cups. I don't know what else could be it. At the 6 month mark we will be buying a diy sperm anaysis kit and a female reproductive check kit.
We also have been doing the missionary alot, along with sitting in bed at least 10 min. after intercourse.
Alright I am going to call hubby and call it night.
Goodnight,
Raven: Signing off!
Saturday, February 2, 2013
My life
So, today is Febuary 1, 2013. I started my period on the 29th.
We were doing okay. Until yesterday we had gotten a flat tire. Tried fixing it. Wouldn't budge. Need prolly oh, I don't know prolly around 200.00 to get a new one. Plus a tow.
Oh, and also add to the fact we have several large hospital bills and more coming in. Not to add to the fact that the hospital keeps rebilling our insurance and the insurance has already paid. We have asked over and over if they would do a payment plan......they keep saying they can't do anything until they do.
Oh, and then today, we wake up and there absolutely no water. Nada. Zip. Me and hubby both need showers. We need to use the bathroom. And to add insult to injury: There is no car, which means my family would have to come and pick us up.......
Everything just went from bad to worse. I have no idea how to fix this. We were planning on going away for Valentines Day......Don't think it will happen now.
We both really wanted a honeymoon......Guess that is our as well. I hate this place. I am stuck and I hate this town I live in.
We were doing okay. Until yesterday we had gotten a flat tire. Tried fixing it. Wouldn't budge. Need prolly oh, I don't know prolly around 200.00 to get a new one. Plus a tow.
Oh, and also add to the fact we have several large hospital bills and more coming in. Not to add to the fact that the hospital keeps rebilling our insurance and the insurance has already paid. We have asked over and over if they would do a payment plan......they keep saying they can't do anything until they do.
Oh, and then today, we wake up and there absolutely no water. Nada. Zip. Me and hubby both need showers. We need to use the bathroom. And to add insult to injury: There is no car, which means my family would have to come and pick us up.......
Everything just went from bad to worse. I have no idea how to fix this. We were planning on going away for Valentines Day......Don't think it will happen now.
We both really wanted a honeymoon......Guess that is our as well. I hate this place. I am stuck and I hate this town I live in.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Mostly Venting part 2.......Just Kidding
I decided not to continue at least at this time on things that make me angry or upset. Mostly because I am paranoid that someone will read this and tell me I have no right to "Reproduce." And yes I have seen this on some websites.....and I do not want this to happen. I want to be a mother so badly. This is all I have wanted to do for.....a very long time.....Anywayz.....
On a more happier note I have not started my period yet. I am 3 days past my start date for a period of 38 days. And in another 3-4 days I will be late for a 45 day cycle. I am going to buy a couple more tests tonight :). I just cant wait. We hit pretty much all of the fertile days and then some. I am only 13 DPO. I am not sure why my periods are like this.
I could be wrong about this but, I also have cramping and SEVERE bloating, and once again my boobs hurt. I could be completely wrong as well. I mean I get this way with Aunt Flow too. I just like to be sure. I am scared that if I don't know that I could do something bad or hurt it and have a miscarriage.
No one knows but, God. But, if it doesn't work this month then next month we will definately DTD every other day. Really hoping it does :).
On a more happier note I have not started my period yet. I am 3 days past my start date for a period of 38 days. And in another 3-4 days I will be late for a 45 day cycle. I am going to buy a couple more tests tonight :). I just cant wait. We hit pretty much all of the fertile days and then some. I am only 13 DPO. I am not sure why my periods are like this.
I could be wrong about this but, I also have cramping and SEVERE bloating, and once again my boobs hurt. I could be completely wrong as well. I mean I get this way with Aunt Flow too. I just like to be sure. I am scared that if I don't know that I could do something bad or hurt it and have a miscarriage.
No one knows but, God. But, if it doesn't work this month then next month we will definately DTD every other day. Really hoping it does :).
Monday, January 28, 2013
Mostly Venting part 1
Everyone has questions....It's part of being human. Maybe they are simplistic or complicated. And even if you write them down....they are unanswered. But, for a moment you feel slightly better:
First: I am completely and utterly done with your bullshit! You want to pretend to know what I am going through?! The turmoil inside of me?! Everyone said to "take your pills, you will feel better." every fucking time I had a feeling or said something wrong. It is chemicals! It will not change how someone feels! Maybe you are just scared of what I may bring up.
I am upset that you deny some of the abuse I accuse you of. I did not. I hate that fact about you. I hate that you still try to control me with your petty little things. I hate that I am still terrified of you. And sometimes I just want think that Mother is more appropriate then mom. Reasons:
1. You left a gaping hole when I was 3 years old. You left me. I refuse to trust.....You killed something that day.
2. You screamed in my face. You hit me. You gave me the silent treatment. More times than I have fingers or toes. You backed me up against walls. You held me down on beds to FORCE me to hug you. I am clausterphobic. I brace my ears for loud noises. I am terrified of getting hit. You stopped hugging me after age 10 and then held me down and forced me too.
3. You screamed at me to get out of YOUR house when I was 10, 11, 13, 15, 17,18, 19, 20. You threatened to send me away, to an insane asylum in 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th grades. Even now moved out and married I am scared you can and will still do this.
4. You threatened to make my life a living hell when I complained. You through me to other people, when you coiuldn't handle me. You humiliated me.
5. You told me to my face that I should be a better daughter. That you wanted my best friend as a daughter. I turned me against her by having some severe issues with her at some points. That will never be forgiven.
6. I told you the guilt I had on my missions trip. You said " Is that all? I thought you were raped or something." WTF?! So mine was not bad enough?
7. You helped us realize what domestic violence is....at the age of 5.
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1. You were supposed to save me. You were supposed to be there. You were not. WHERE WERE YOU?!
2. You WERE my hero. It was to be daddy and little girl forever.....you lost that privelage when your wife hit your little girl. When your wife got up in your little girls face and screamed at her, in 2nd and third grade. Your little girl cried and bawled and you WALKED away. You had a responsibility! All the abuse until age 20.....you were not there......Don't trust people who you thought were supposed to protect you.
3. You were supposed to hug me and continue telling me everything was ok.....you quit hugging me at 11...................WHERE WERE YOU?!
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1. You knew.........You confronted me. You gotta stop! you said. You took my only form of "Feeling" away..."I understand. I was an alcoholic and wanted to die at one point..." NO! YOU DON'T GET IT! Until you take a razor to your skin and carve away at it for more than a year....until you do it to feel better....until you burn yourself with a car lighter.....no....you won't get it.
2. You knew and yet you let me suffer all of those times in the bathroom close to collapsing , falling asleep next to the toilet. You knew I took laxatives and yet......You Fucking did nothing!
3. You let me slip through the cracks........
First: I am completely and utterly done with your bullshit! You want to pretend to know what I am going through?! The turmoil inside of me?! Everyone said to "take your pills, you will feel better." every fucking time I had a feeling or said something wrong. It is chemicals! It will not change how someone feels! Maybe you are just scared of what I may bring up.
I am upset that you deny some of the abuse I accuse you of. I did not. I hate that fact about you. I hate that you still try to control me with your petty little things. I hate that I am still terrified of you. And sometimes I just want think that Mother is more appropriate then mom. Reasons:
1. You left a gaping hole when I was 3 years old. You left me. I refuse to trust.....You killed something that day.
2. You screamed in my face. You hit me. You gave me the silent treatment. More times than I have fingers or toes. You backed me up against walls. You held me down on beds to FORCE me to hug you. I am clausterphobic. I brace my ears for loud noises. I am terrified of getting hit. You stopped hugging me after age 10 and then held me down and forced me too.
3. You screamed at me to get out of YOUR house when I was 10, 11, 13, 15, 17,18, 19, 20. You threatened to send me away, to an insane asylum in 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th grades. Even now moved out and married I am scared you can and will still do this.
4. You threatened to make my life a living hell when I complained. You through me to other people, when you coiuldn't handle me. You humiliated me.
5. You told me to my face that I should be a better daughter. That you wanted my best friend as a daughter. I turned me against her by having some severe issues with her at some points. That will never be forgiven.
6. I told you the guilt I had on my missions trip. You said " Is that all? I thought you were raped or something." WTF?! So mine was not bad enough?
7. You helped us realize what domestic violence is....at the age of 5.
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1. You were supposed to save me. You were supposed to be there. You were not. WHERE WERE YOU?!
2. You WERE my hero. It was to be daddy and little girl forever.....you lost that privelage when your wife hit your little girl. When your wife got up in your little girls face and screamed at her, in 2nd and third grade. Your little girl cried and bawled and you WALKED away. You had a responsibility! All the abuse until age 20.....you were not there......Don't trust people who you thought were supposed to protect you.
3. You were supposed to hug me and continue telling me everything was ok.....you quit hugging me at 11...................WHERE WERE YOU?!
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1. You knew.........You confronted me. You gotta stop! you said. You took my only form of "Feeling" away..."I understand. I was an alcoholic and wanted to die at one point..." NO! YOU DON'T GET IT! Until you take a razor to your skin and carve away at it for more than a year....until you do it to feel better....until you burn yourself with a car lighter.....no....you won't get it.
2. You knew and yet you let me suffer all of those times in the bathroom close to collapsing , falling asleep next to the toilet. You knew I took laxatives and yet......You Fucking did nothing!
3. You let me slip through the cracks........
Sometimes life does not go as expected.
Ok. Well, I am officially 2 days late for my period. On cycle 1 of trying to conceive. Really hoping that we will be one of the very few lucky ones to get pregnant in the first month....
A few new things we bought this month were:
-Pre-seed lubricant: Heard terrific reviews for this sperm friendly lube.
- Started using OPK's. Mostly because we were worried I wasn't even ovulating. I highly reccommend these. They are quite fascinating and quite easy to use.
And to feed my addiction: I have taken approximately 10-15 PT's.......I know. But, they are so addicting! Lol!
Got to go back to the doctor for my stomach. I am real scared I may have some type of colon cancer or some other type. They did not find anything wrong with my gall bladder. The typical gall bladder works around 50%. Mine is working at 75%. I am just so scared that something is seriously wrong with me.
This is TMI: So please skip if needed. But, seeing as this is my blog: I am also scared I have done serious damage to my kidneys. When I was bulimic, I really abused laxatives, prolly taking around at least 3 a day for at least 1-2 years. I now sometimes require laxatives sometimes. And I pretty much suffer from chronic constipation anyways.
But, what I am getting at is pretty much that laxatives can cause: Colon cancer, ulcers, rip up your stomach and intestines. Oh, if only i had known then what I know now. About so many things.
Recently I had a severe mental breakdown......lasting for several weeks. I was terrified of the End of the world and this whole thing with the gun ban. I pretty much wanted to die. I mean what is the point in living if you arent going to have enough time to do anything?
Well, as I am a christian, I realized that Satan was using that fear and growing it. That Jesus Christ could come back at any moment.
I have been quite upset these past few days and have been wondering about quite a few things. Sometimes I wonder why I do the things I do? Perhaps it is not on purpose.....but, I still wonder. Sometimes I wonder.....why am I me? Why can't I do better? Why is this all I want out of life? There has to be something seriously wrong with me. I was supposed to go to college, I was SUPPOSED to have a better job.........yadda yadda yadda. What the Hell is wrong with me?
I have no friends. Around where I am at least. The other adults.......well.......
My family: I am scared that if we have kids and we set boundaries that they will go to court and try to get custody telling the judge that we are abusive. And to this day I am scared that my mom could get me admitted. She threatened it so much that I have just come to terms that one day I will see the police on my doorsteps to take me away.
The church I go too......Deep rooted issues there.......
And what is hardest is that I am having hugely rooted issues to do with my father......resurfacing......I am finding it extremely hard not to hold a grudge on my parents. Or for that fact many of the adults in my life that said they would be there.....but, were not.
And I am so Fucking tired of holding all of my emotions in. I hid them so well for so many years. And now I just want to scream and shake the people who have hurt me for so long. I am so mad at them. I am tired of hearing what they all have to say......where was my say? I am not blaming my problems on other people. I know cutting was my choice. Bulimia was my choice. I am not stupid. But, I am hurt. And all of my feelings were forced so far down...........Everyone.....said to not be angry, to calm down, threatened to call the cops on me, threated to put me away in an asylum........I tried....and succeeded in not feeling angry for a long time.....and it is getting worse. And now it is all resurfacing now.
Well, I will not turn this post into a venting one.
Have a great night
Ok. Well, I am officially 2 days late for my period. On cycle 1 of trying to conceive. Really hoping that we will be one of the very few lucky ones to get pregnant in the first month....
A few new things we bought this month were:
-Pre-seed lubricant: Heard terrific reviews for this sperm friendly lube.
- Started using OPK's. Mostly because we were worried I wasn't even ovulating. I highly reccommend these. They are quite fascinating and quite easy to use.
And to feed my addiction: I have taken approximately 10-15 PT's.......I know. But, they are so addicting! Lol!
Got to go back to the doctor for my stomach. I am real scared I may have some type of colon cancer or some other type. They did not find anything wrong with my gall bladder. The typical gall bladder works around 50%. Mine is working at 75%. I am just so scared that something is seriously wrong with me.
This is TMI: So please skip if needed. But, seeing as this is my blog: I am also scared I have done serious damage to my kidneys. When I was bulimic, I really abused laxatives, prolly taking around at least 3 a day for at least 1-2 years. I now sometimes require laxatives sometimes. And I pretty much suffer from chronic constipation anyways.
But, what I am getting at is pretty much that laxatives can cause: Colon cancer, ulcers, rip up your stomach and intestines. Oh, if only i had known then what I know now. About so many things.
Recently I had a severe mental breakdown......lasting for several weeks. I was terrified of the End of the world and this whole thing with the gun ban. I pretty much wanted to die. I mean what is the point in living if you arent going to have enough time to do anything?
Well, as I am a christian, I realized that Satan was using that fear and growing it. That Jesus Christ could come back at any moment.
I have been quite upset these past few days and have been wondering about quite a few things. Sometimes I wonder why I do the things I do? Perhaps it is not on purpose.....but, I still wonder. Sometimes I wonder.....why am I me? Why can't I do better? Why is this all I want out of life? There has to be something seriously wrong with me. I was supposed to go to college, I was SUPPOSED to have a better job.........yadda yadda yadda. What the Hell is wrong with me?
I have no friends. Around where I am at least. The other adults.......well.......
My family: I am scared that if we have kids and we set boundaries that they will go to court and try to get custody telling the judge that we are abusive. And to this day I am scared that my mom could get me admitted. She threatened it so much that I have just come to terms that one day I will see the police on my doorsteps to take me away.
The church I go too......Deep rooted issues there.......
And what is hardest is that I am having hugely rooted issues to do with my father......resurfacing......I am finding it extremely hard not to hold a grudge on my parents. Or for that fact many of the adults in my life that said they would be there.....but, were not.
And I am so Fucking tired of holding all of my emotions in. I hid them so well for so many years. And now I just want to scream and shake the people who have hurt me for so long. I am so mad at them. I am tired of hearing what they all have to say......where was my say? I am not blaming my problems on other people. I know cutting was my choice. Bulimia was my choice. I am not stupid. But, I am hurt. And all of my feelings were forced so far down...........Everyone.....said to not be angry, to calm down, threatened to call the cops on me, threated to put me away in an asylum........I tried....and succeeded in not feeling angry for a long time.....and it is getting worse. And now it is all resurfacing now.
Well, I will not turn this post into a venting one.
Have a great night
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