Everyone has questions....It's part of being human. Maybe they are simplistic or complicated. And even if you write them down....they are unanswered. But, for a moment you feel slightly better:
First: I am completely and utterly done with your bullshit! You want to pretend to know what I am going through?! The turmoil inside of me?! Everyone said to "take your pills, you will feel better." every fucking time I had a feeling or said something wrong. It is chemicals! It will not change how someone feels! Maybe you are just scared of what I may bring up.
I am upset that you deny some of the abuse I accuse you of. I did not. I hate that fact about you. I hate that you still try to control me with your petty little things. I hate that I am still terrified of you. And sometimes I just want think that Mother is more appropriate then mom. Reasons:
1. You left a gaping hole when I was 3 years old. You left me. I refuse to trust.....You killed something that day.
2. You screamed in my face. You hit me. You gave me the silent treatment. More times than I have fingers or toes. You backed me up against walls. You held me down on beds to FORCE me to hug you. I am clausterphobic. I brace my ears for loud noises. I am terrified of getting hit. You stopped hugging me after age 10 and then held me down and forced me too.
3. You screamed at me to get out of YOUR house when I was 10, 11, 13, 15, 17,18, 19, 20. You threatened to send me away, to an insane asylum in 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th grades. Even now moved out and married I am scared you can and will still do this.
4. You threatened to make my life a living hell when I complained. You through me to other people, when you coiuldn't handle me. You humiliated me.
5. You told me to my face that I should be a better daughter. That you wanted my best friend as a daughter. I turned me against her by having some severe issues with her at some points. That will never be forgiven.
6. I told you the guilt I had on my missions trip. You said " Is that all? I thought you were raped or something." WTF?! So mine was not bad enough?
7. You helped us realize what domestic violence is....at the age of 5.
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1. You were supposed to save me. You were supposed to be there. You were not. WHERE WERE YOU?!
2. You WERE my hero. It was to be daddy and little girl forever.....you lost that privelage when your wife hit your little girl. When your wife got up in your little girls face and screamed at her, in 2nd and third grade. Your little girl cried and bawled and you WALKED away. You had a responsibility! All the abuse until age 20.....you were not there......Don't trust people who you thought were supposed to protect you.
3. You were supposed to hug me and continue telling me everything was ok.....you quit hugging me at 11...................WHERE WERE YOU?!
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1. You knew.........You confronted me. You gotta stop! you said. You took my only form of "Feeling" away..."I understand. I was an alcoholic and wanted to die at one point..." NO! YOU DON'T GET IT! Until you take a razor to your skin and carve away at it for more than a year....until you do it to feel better....until you burn yourself with a car lighter.....no....you won't get it.
2. You knew and yet you let me suffer all of those times in the bathroom close to collapsing , falling asleep next to the toilet. You knew I took laxatives and yet......You Fucking did nothing!
3. You let me slip through the cracks........
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