Sometimes life does not go as expected.

Ok. Well, I am officially 2 days late for my period. On cycle 1 of trying to conceive. Really hoping that we will be one of the very few lucky ones to get pregnant in the first month....

A few new things we bought this month were:

-Pre-seed lubricant: Heard terrific reviews for this sperm friendly lube.
- Started using OPK's. Mostly because we were worried I wasn't even ovulating. I highly reccommend these. They are quite fascinating and quite easy to use.

And to feed my addiction: I have taken approximately 10-15 PT's.......I know. But, they are so addicting! Lol!

Got to go back to the doctor for my stomach. I am real scared I may have some type of colon cancer or some other type. They did not find anything wrong with my gall bladder. The typical gall bladder works around 50%. Mine is working at 75%.  I am just so scared that something is seriously wrong with me.
    This is TMI: So please skip if needed. But, seeing as this is my blog: I am also scared I have done serious damage to my kidneys. When I was bulimic, I really abused laxatives, prolly taking around at least 3 a day for at least 1-2 years. I now sometimes require laxatives sometimes. And I pretty much suffer from chronic constipation anyways.
    But, what I am getting at is pretty much that laxatives can cause: Colon cancer, ulcers, rip up your stomach and intestines. Oh, if only i had known then what I know now. About so many things.

    Recently I had a severe mental breakdown......lasting for several weeks. I was terrified of the End of the world and this whole thing with the gun ban. I pretty much wanted to die. I mean what is the point in living if you arent going to have enough time to do anything?
    Well, as I am a christian, I realized that Satan was using that fear and growing it. That Jesus Christ could come back at any moment.

      I have been quite upset these past few days and have been wondering about quite a few things. Sometimes I wonder why I do the things I do? Perhaps it is not on purpose.....but, I still wonder. Sometimes I wonder.....why am I me? Why can't I do better? Why is this all I want out of life? There has to be something seriously wrong with me. I was supposed to go to college, I was SUPPOSED to have a better job.........yadda yadda yadda. What the Hell is wrong with me?
    I have no friends. Around where I am at least. The other adults.......well.......

My family: I am scared that if we have kids and we set boundaries that they will go to court and try to get custody telling the judge that we are abusive. And to this day I am scared that my mom could get me admitted. She threatened it so much that I have just come to terms that one day I will see the police on my doorsteps to take me away.

The church I go too......Deep rooted issues there.......

And what is hardest is that I am having hugely rooted issues to do with my father......resurfacing......I am finding it extremely hard not to hold a grudge on my parents. Or for that fact many of the adults in my life that said they would be there.....but, were not.
   And I am so Fucking tired of holding all of my emotions in. I hid them so well for so many years. And now I just want to scream and shake the people who have hurt me for so long. I am so mad at them. I am tired of hearing what they all have to say......where was my say? I am not blaming my problems on other people. I know cutting was my choice. Bulimia was my choice. I am not stupid. But, I am hurt. And all of my feelings were forced so far down...........Everyone.....said to not be angry, to calm down, threatened to call the cops on me, threated to put me away in an asylum........I tried....and succeeded in not feeling angry for a long time.....and it is getting worse. And now it is all resurfacing now.

    Well, I will not turn this post into a venting one.

Have a great night