I decided not to continue at least at this time on things that make me angry or upset. Mostly because I am paranoid that someone will read this and tell me I have no right to "Reproduce." And yes I have seen this on some websites.....and I do not want this to happen. I want to be a mother so badly. This is all I have wanted to do for.....a very long time.....Anywayz.....
On a more happier note I have not started my period yet. I am 3 days past my start date for a period of 38 days. And in another 3-4 days I will be late for a 45 day cycle. I am going to buy a couple more tests tonight :). I just cant wait. We hit pretty much all of the fertile days and then some. I am only 13 DPO. I am not sure why my periods are like this.
I could be wrong about this but, I also have cramping and SEVERE bloating, and once again my boobs hurt. I could be completely wrong as well. I mean I get this way with Aunt Flow too. I just like to be sure. I am scared that if I don't know that I could do something bad or hurt it and have a miscarriage.
No one knows but, God. But, if it doesn't work this month then next month we will definately DTD every other day. Really hoping it does :).
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Mostly Venting part 1
Everyone has questions....It's part of being human. Maybe they are simplistic or complicated. And even if you write them down....they are unanswered. But, for a moment you feel slightly better:
First: I am completely and utterly done with your bullshit! You want to pretend to know what I am going through?! The turmoil inside of me?! Everyone said to "take your pills, you will feel better." every fucking time I had a feeling or said something wrong. It is chemicals! It will not change how someone feels! Maybe you are just scared of what I may bring up.
I am upset that you deny some of the abuse I accuse you of. I did not. I hate that fact about you. I hate that you still try to control me with your petty little things. I hate that I am still terrified of you. And sometimes I just want think that Mother is more appropriate then mom. Reasons:
1. You left a gaping hole when I was 3 years old. You left me. I refuse to trust.....You killed something that day.
2. You screamed in my face. You hit me. You gave me the silent treatment. More times than I have fingers or toes. You backed me up against walls. You held me down on beds to FORCE me to hug you. I am clausterphobic. I brace my ears for loud noises. I am terrified of getting hit. You stopped hugging me after age 10 and then held me down and forced me too.
3. You screamed at me to get out of YOUR house when I was 10, 11, 13, 15, 17,18, 19, 20. You threatened to send me away, to an insane asylum in 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th grades. Even now moved out and married I am scared you can and will still do this.
4. You threatened to make my life a living hell when I complained. You through me to other people, when you coiuldn't handle me. You humiliated me.
5. You told me to my face that I should be a better daughter. That you wanted my best friend as a daughter. I turned me against her by having some severe issues with her at some points. That will never be forgiven.
6. I told you the guilt I had on my missions trip. You said " Is that all? I thought you were raped or something." WTF?! So mine was not bad enough?
7. You helped us realize what domestic violence is....at the age of 5.
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1. You were supposed to save me. You were supposed to be there. You were not. WHERE WERE YOU?!
2. You WERE my hero. It was to be daddy and little girl forever.....you lost that privelage when your wife hit your little girl. When your wife got up in your little girls face and screamed at her, in 2nd and third grade. Your little girl cried and bawled and you WALKED away. You had a responsibility! All the abuse until age 20.....you were not there......Don't trust people who you thought were supposed to protect you.
3. You were supposed to hug me and continue telling me everything was ok.....you quit hugging me at 11...................WHERE WERE YOU?!
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1. You knew.........You confronted me. You gotta stop! you said. You took my only form of "Feeling" away..."I understand. I was an alcoholic and wanted to die at one point..." NO! YOU DON'T GET IT! Until you take a razor to your skin and carve away at it for more than a year....until you do it to feel better....until you burn yourself with a car lighter.....no....you won't get it.
2. You knew and yet you let me suffer all of those times in the bathroom close to collapsing , falling asleep next to the toilet. You knew I took laxatives and yet......You Fucking did nothing!
3. You let me slip through the cracks........
First: I am completely and utterly done with your bullshit! You want to pretend to know what I am going through?! The turmoil inside of me?! Everyone said to "take your pills, you will feel better." every fucking time I had a feeling or said something wrong. It is chemicals! It will not change how someone feels! Maybe you are just scared of what I may bring up.
I am upset that you deny some of the abuse I accuse you of. I did not. I hate that fact about you. I hate that you still try to control me with your petty little things. I hate that I am still terrified of you. And sometimes I just want think that Mother is more appropriate then mom. Reasons:
1. You left a gaping hole when I was 3 years old. You left me. I refuse to trust.....You killed something that day.
2. You screamed in my face. You hit me. You gave me the silent treatment. More times than I have fingers or toes. You backed me up against walls. You held me down on beds to FORCE me to hug you. I am clausterphobic. I brace my ears for loud noises. I am terrified of getting hit. You stopped hugging me after age 10 and then held me down and forced me too.
3. You screamed at me to get out of YOUR house when I was 10, 11, 13, 15, 17,18, 19, 20. You threatened to send me away, to an insane asylum in 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th grades. Even now moved out and married I am scared you can and will still do this.
4. You threatened to make my life a living hell when I complained. You through me to other people, when you coiuldn't handle me. You humiliated me.
5. You told me to my face that I should be a better daughter. That you wanted my best friend as a daughter. I turned me against her by having some severe issues with her at some points. That will never be forgiven.
6. I told you the guilt I had on my missions trip. You said " Is that all? I thought you were raped or something." WTF?! So mine was not bad enough?
7. You helped us realize what domestic violence is....at the age of 5.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. You were supposed to save me. You were supposed to be there. You were not. WHERE WERE YOU?!
2. You WERE my hero. It was to be daddy and little girl forever.....you lost that privelage when your wife hit your little girl. When your wife got up in your little girls face and screamed at her, in 2nd and third grade. Your little girl cried and bawled and you WALKED away. You had a responsibility! All the abuse until age 20.....you were not there......Don't trust people who you thought were supposed to protect you.
3. You were supposed to hug me and continue telling me everything was ok.....you quit hugging me at 11...................WHERE WERE YOU?!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. You knew.........You confronted me. You gotta stop! you said. You took my only form of "Feeling" away..."I understand. I was an alcoholic and wanted to die at one point..." NO! YOU DON'T GET IT! Until you take a razor to your skin and carve away at it for more than a year....until you do it to feel better....until you burn yourself with a car lighter.....no....you won't get it.
2. You knew and yet you let me suffer all of those times in the bathroom close to collapsing , falling asleep next to the toilet. You knew I took laxatives and yet......You Fucking did nothing!
3. You let me slip through the cracks........
Sometimes life does not go as expected.
Ok. Well, I am officially 2 days late for my period. On cycle 1 of trying to conceive. Really hoping that we will be one of the very few lucky ones to get pregnant in the first month....
A few new things we bought this month were:
-Pre-seed lubricant: Heard terrific reviews for this sperm friendly lube.
- Started using OPK's. Mostly because we were worried I wasn't even ovulating. I highly reccommend these. They are quite fascinating and quite easy to use.
And to feed my addiction: I have taken approximately 10-15 PT's.......I know. But, they are so addicting! Lol!
Got to go back to the doctor for my stomach. I am real scared I may have some type of colon cancer or some other type. They did not find anything wrong with my gall bladder. The typical gall bladder works around 50%. Mine is working at 75%. I am just so scared that something is seriously wrong with me.
This is TMI: So please skip if needed. But, seeing as this is my blog: I am also scared I have done serious damage to my kidneys. When I was bulimic, I really abused laxatives, prolly taking around at least 3 a day for at least 1-2 years. I now sometimes require laxatives sometimes. And I pretty much suffer from chronic constipation anyways.
But, what I am getting at is pretty much that laxatives can cause: Colon cancer, ulcers, rip up your stomach and intestines. Oh, if only i had known then what I know now. About so many things.
Recently I had a severe mental breakdown......lasting for several weeks. I was terrified of the End of the world and this whole thing with the gun ban. I pretty much wanted to die. I mean what is the point in living if you arent going to have enough time to do anything?
Well, as I am a christian, I realized that Satan was using that fear and growing it. That Jesus Christ could come back at any moment.
I have been quite upset these past few days and have been wondering about quite a few things. Sometimes I wonder why I do the things I do? Perhaps it is not on purpose.....but, I still wonder. Sometimes I wonder.....why am I me? Why can't I do better? Why is this all I want out of life? There has to be something seriously wrong with me. I was supposed to go to college, I was SUPPOSED to have a better job.........yadda yadda yadda. What the Hell is wrong with me?
I have no friends. Around where I am at least. The other adults.......well.......
My family: I am scared that if we have kids and we set boundaries that they will go to court and try to get custody telling the judge that we are abusive. And to this day I am scared that my mom could get me admitted. She threatened it so much that I have just come to terms that one day I will see the police on my doorsteps to take me away.
The church I go too......Deep rooted issues there.......
And what is hardest is that I am having hugely rooted issues to do with my father......resurfacing......I am finding it extremely hard not to hold a grudge on my parents. Or for that fact many of the adults in my life that said they would be there.....but, were not.
And I am so Fucking tired of holding all of my emotions in. I hid them so well for so many years. And now I just want to scream and shake the people who have hurt me for so long. I am so mad at them. I am tired of hearing what they all have to say......where was my say? I am not blaming my problems on other people. I know cutting was my choice. Bulimia was my choice. I am not stupid. But, I am hurt. And all of my feelings were forced so far down...........Everyone.....said to not be angry, to calm down, threatened to call the cops on me, threated to put me away in an asylum........I tried....and succeeded in not feeling angry for a long time.....and it is getting worse. And now it is all resurfacing now.
Well, I will not turn this post into a venting one.
Have a great night
Ok. Well, I am officially 2 days late for my period. On cycle 1 of trying to conceive. Really hoping that we will be one of the very few lucky ones to get pregnant in the first month....
A few new things we bought this month were:
-Pre-seed lubricant: Heard terrific reviews for this sperm friendly lube.
- Started using OPK's. Mostly because we were worried I wasn't even ovulating. I highly reccommend these. They are quite fascinating and quite easy to use.
And to feed my addiction: I have taken approximately 10-15 PT's.......I know. But, they are so addicting! Lol!
Got to go back to the doctor for my stomach. I am real scared I may have some type of colon cancer or some other type. They did not find anything wrong with my gall bladder. The typical gall bladder works around 50%. Mine is working at 75%. I am just so scared that something is seriously wrong with me.
This is TMI: So please skip if needed. But, seeing as this is my blog: I am also scared I have done serious damage to my kidneys. When I was bulimic, I really abused laxatives, prolly taking around at least 3 a day for at least 1-2 years. I now sometimes require laxatives sometimes. And I pretty much suffer from chronic constipation anyways.
But, what I am getting at is pretty much that laxatives can cause: Colon cancer, ulcers, rip up your stomach and intestines. Oh, if only i had known then what I know now. About so many things.
Recently I had a severe mental breakdown......lasting for several weeks. I was terrified of the End of the world and this whole thing with the gun ban. I pretty much wanted to die. I mean what is the point in living if you arent going to have enough time to do anything?
Well, as I am a christian, I realized that Satan was using that fear and growing it. That Jesus Christ could come back at any moment.
I have been quite upset these past few days and have been wondering about quite a few things. Sometimes I wonder why I do the things I do? Perhaps it is not on purpose.....but, I still wonder. Sometimes I wonder.....why am I me? Why can't I do better? Why is this all I want out of life? There has to be something seriously wrong with me. I was supposed to go to college, I was SUPPOSED to have a better job.........yadda yadda yadda. What the Hell is wrong with me?
I have no friends. Around where I am at least. The other adults.......well.......
My family: I am scared that if we have kids and we set boundaries that they will go to court and try to get custody telling the judge that we are abusive. And to this day I am scared that my mom could get me admitted. She threatened it so much that I have just come to terms that one day I will see the police on my doorsteps to take me away.
The church I go too......Deep rooted issues there.......
And what is hardest is that I am having hugely rooted issues to do with my father......resurfacing......I am finding it extremely hard not to hold a grudge on my parents. Or for that fact many of the adults in my life that said they would be there.....but, were not.
And I am so Fucking tired of holding all of my emotions in. I hid them so well for so many years. And now I just want to scream and shake the people who have hurt me for so long. I am so mad at them. I am tired of hearing what they all have to say......where was my say? I am not blaming my problems on other people. I know cutting was my choice. Bulimia was my choice. I am not stupid. But, I am hurt. And all of my feelings were forced so far down...........Everyone.....said to not be angry, to calm down, threatened to call the cops on me, threated to put me away in an asylum........I tried....and succeeded in not feeling angry for a long time.....and it is getting worse. And now it is all resurfacing now.
Well, I will not turn this post into a venting one.
Have a great night
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