Update

I am sorry for not updating sooner. But, once again life got in the way.

Alright first this will be our 3rd cycle for TTC. I do not want to point out symptoms, but, I have noticed alot more nausea then before. And certain foods are making me more sick than others. And then again, I am noticing more symptoms now that I am paying more attention. I am thinking of keeping track in a notebook.

On to other news: I think I may have a UTI. I have avoided going to the doctors. But, I think it is a real problem. I am scared of more bills that we will not be able to afford. Not to mention I have some new symptoms.
 
Enough of my physical health. Onto my mental health: Scared alot, especially since taxes is going up. My head has been swimming lately. I am not sure how or what to do about that. It might just be a consequence of some past self harm. Lately my thoughts have been....lets say......daunting. My head swimming may be a result of hitting my head on things/ floors/ walls years past. Not to mention I feel as though I am defective, for not getting pregnant yet....even though it has been only 3 months.

Expectations: I have been thinking for last couple of days on how i would write this. Here it goes:

Everyone has expectations. No matter what they are. I have been remembering on my life and the expectations that people had for me. "I wanna be a veterenarian!" "Thats hard work." "I wanna be a dog groomer!" "You would be good at it" "I cut myself" "I expected that." "I vowed to kill myself at 18." "I FIGURED you would".  I guess the point I am trying to say is...I had a lack of expectations in my family.
   At first I wanted to prove people wrong. "I can do this! I am better. I will prove them wrong!" And that lasted quite a long time. And I felt like a failure every time I would make a mistake. When I started talking to guys online, and every time I pulled  the blade across my skin. " You can do better! Why do you do this?!" is what they would scream at me.
    And for a long time I wondered the same thing. So, I thought there was no point. And gave up on expectations all together. I skipped my graduation. I decided that the guys I were seeing online were going to be my expectation...I gave up. I continued talking. Thinking that if I gave everything to them: sending nude photos, talking graphically...that I could escape everything.
    I was wrong. On both ends of the rope. Expectations are not what other people have. It is what we have. I almost gave up on myself because I believed that what other people believed I should or rather lacked I should make up for.
    And the expectations I have right now, hardly measure out to what my parents had or have in mind. I am content. Sometimes, I look at higher.But, for right now, I am content. I always wanted to get married, and expected no less. I am now married. I always wanted kids. I am trying for kids.
   When I was a young child I expected/ wanted to be a veterinarian.....as of right now I do not feel led to go to college. Which is something my parents always said I had to do....well, I dissappointed them. But, I am ok with that.

Enough about that.

Saving money. It is something we all are trying to do. Well, Me and hubby have decided that we will be washing all clothes except towels and blankets and sheets, at home. Making all our own breads, pastas, and hopefully we can get pregnant before the end of this month.

TTC:

We have been using some preseed. Taking regular prenatal vitamins, hubby taking once a day mens, Fish oil,  Extra vitamin C for me. But, I am on antibiotics as of right now, so that could be a problem. I am also making sure I am getting at least 1 full fat serving per day, and trying to eat recommended doses of fruits and veggies.
    Watching sugar and high fructose consumption, as well as 1 fish serving at least 2-3 times a week.
Just need to really exercise and increase my water consumption to at least 8 cups. I am only drinking probably 2-3 cups. I don't know what else could be it. At the 6 month mark we will be buying a diy sperm anaysis kit and a female reproductive check kit.
    We also have been doing the missionary alot, along with sitting in bed at least 10 min. after intercourse.

Alright I am going to call hubby and call it night.

Goodnight,

Raven: Signing off!